With Jessie gone, we've been keeping a very close eye on Diavlo. I have been worried sick about how Diavlo would take Jessie's passing. When we returned Friday evening with an empty trailer, Diavlo stood and watched that trailer, expecting Jessie to unload. I wish I could have told him so he'd understand. I have no idea if they understood that Jessie left this earth or if he thinks I was cruel and simply sent her away.
What I wasn't banking on was Mayhem. I should have realized that she too would slip into a mild depression as well. As herd mates, I didn't realize how bonded she was to Jessie. Of course, Jessie was the take charge kind of mare (although Diavlo seemed to be pretty bossy all winter). But without Jessie there to seek attention, Diavlo and Mayhem have been hanging out more without any fighting. With Jessie's passing, Diavlo and Mayhem are bonding. They don't seem to wander far from the gate or each other.
Before Jessie's passing, Mayhem and Diavlo wouldn't be seen 100 feet beside each other. Now, they are side by side and when one moves, the other one follows.
I know they are both dealing with the loss of Jessie and fighting their own depression. I know that Mayhem has lost a number of other herd mates over the years. Sadly, I was so wrapped up in my own world that I never noticed her depression. Diavlo's devotion to Jessie caused me to pay attention and now I realize that Mayhem has dealt with loss so much more than anyone else at the Sanctuary other than myself. Being such a young horse coming into the Sanctuary, she's had to deal with saying goodbye to so many of her herd. I do know Diavlo has had to say goodbye to three others of his little herd in the last year. He's the last remaining one from his herd.
We are keeping a close eye on both Diavlo and Mayhem. I continue to send the kids over to check on them and give them treats but even treats don't seem to brighten their day. It hasn't yet been three days of mourning but I believe that there will be weeks of depression that we will be dealing with for both Diavlo and Mayhem.
If only I could tell them that it'll be alight and I'm sorry for having to take their Jessie away.
Showing posts with label Diavlo. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Diavlo. Show all posts
Monday, June 22, 2020
Thursday, June 18, 2020
Calming Rain
After three or four straight days of 90+ degree weather and 25+ mph wind, we finally have a break from the weather and are enjoying rain, cooler temps, and no wind. I know we had rain a few weeks back but with 90 degree weather, the grass was starting to burn and dry up. We had an extreme drought eight years ago and we barely survived. If we were to have a drought now, I'm not sure my sanity could handle it.
After everyone else went to bed last night, I finally got out to do chores in the dark. It was still windy but the temps were manageable. In fact, I pulled a chair out into the driveway and just sat looking at the stars for a bit after everything was done. Every once in a while I'd see a flash in the sky of lightening. After I went in for the night, I checked my phone to see how close the storm was. Oddly, it was miles and miles and miles away. It's amazing how far you can see some days/nights when looking up at the sky.
It's going to remain quiet for the remainder of the week. We are still coming to terms and preparing ourselves mentally to let Jessie go. I think my worrying for Diavlo's depression is overtaking my sorrow for losing Jessie. Hopefully Diavlo will bond with Mayhem. If not, I may shake it up a bit and put him in with the big herd. But if he bonds severely with Chaos, we'll have problems because Chaos is one that we take out of the herd and take to different places.
I do hope that the rain predicted for tomorrow holds off until after we lay Jessie to rest. The plan is to bury her next to Ransom and the others. It's hard enough juggling the vet's schedule and the excavator's schedule. Now we have to throw in the weather's decision to go from 90+ degrees and gusty to severe thunderstorms. I guess it is what it is and we'll take the weather as it comes.
It is refreshing though to finally have the windows open and listen to the rain. There's something about listening to rain that is calming, which is something I desperately need at the moment.
After everyone else went to bed last night, I finally got out to do chores in the dark. It was still windy but the temps were manageable. In fact, I pulled a chair out into the driveway and just sat looking at the stars for a bit after everything was done. Every once in a while I'd see a flash in the sky of lightening. After I went in for the night, I checked my phone to see how close the storm was. Oddly, it was miles and miles and miles away. It's amazing how far you can see some days/nights when looking up at the sky.
It's going to remain quiet for the remainder of the week. We are still coming to terms and preparing ourselves mentally to let Jessie go. I think my worrying for Diavlo's depression is overtaking my sorrow for losing Jessie. Hopefully Diavlo will bond with Mayhem. If not, I may shake it up a bit and put him in with the big herd. But if he bonds severely with Chaos, we'll have problems because Chaos is one that we take out of the herd and take to different places.
I do hope that the rain predicted for tomorrow holds off until after we lay Jessie to rest. The plan is to bury her next to Ransom and the others. It's hard enough juggling the vet's schedule and the excavator's schedule. Now we have to throw in the weather's decision to go from 90+ degrees and gusty to severe thunderstorms. I guess it is what it is and we'll take the weather as it comes.
It is refreshing though to finally have the windows open and listen to the rain. There's something about listening to rain that is calming, which is something I desperately need at the moment.
Wednesday, June 3, 2020
Jessie Update
I had hoped we could hold off making a decision about Jessie until this fall. I don't think that's going to be the case. She'd been holding weight ok all winter and then in March, she started dropping weight. I thought maybe it was just me trying to not look through rose colored glasses.
At the end of May we took a much needed mental and emotional break from reality and when we returned I knew I wasn't looking through rose colored glasses. Jessie looks terrible. I haven't been around her mentally to really make the connection that her time on earth is nearing its end. She's not told me she's ready until I put her into the pasture. Diavlo was pushing her around and I could tell that she's not got the spark like she used to.
I want to wait and see if the grass is what she needs but I don't think so. Looking at her, she looks terrible. I don't even need to compare her to anyone else. She's lost so much weight over the last month that I'm ashamed I've let her go so far. I know weight loss can be sudden but I questioned it a month ago and thought maybe I was just over reacting. I was not.
I've tried changing up her grain and/or adding more and none of that helps. We'll see what pasture does for her but we may be looking at saying goodbye much sooner than I had expected.
It's not like this day wasn't coming. With our vet telling us she had five loose teeth along with some missing, that when she did lose those teeth, we'd probably have to say goodbye. I guess I'd hoped that I wouldn't have to make this decision until fall when it's easier knowing winter will be here.
I plan on giving her a bit more time to see if the pasture does help but I'm not holding my breath. She's already told me she's tired. I feel like I've done her an injustice. The saying "out of the frying pan, into the fire" keeps coming to mind. Have I done all I can do for her? Would she (and the rest of her herd) been better off with someone else? As it is with the four we were asked to take in last fall, one refused to load and only through the grace of the horse gods was someone able to rehome her that was nearer and who she liked. Ransom we lost within a month of coming to the Sanctuary (again the saying out of the frying pan, into the fire comes to mind), and now Jessie. I feel like I've not only let each individual horse down, but also the owner, and his family.
The problem is going to be with Diavlo. We found out that rather than mother/son, it's sister/brother. No matter the case, Diavlo is so attached to Jessie, I don't know what to do. He hates being away from her. He goes ballistic. If I have decent fencing, he'll pace the fence until she's in eye sight and then he'll stand there and watch her like a hawk. Luckily he's not a fence pusher but he questions the fencing if he's separated.
So what do I do? He's still very much an able bodied horse so there's no thought of saying goodbye to him when we say goodbye to Jessie. That option isn't on the table.
But do we take Diavlo with and let him know that she's gone? Let him see that she's gone and let him mourn? Do we load up Jessie and leave Diavlo home to pace the fence and always wonder? He's going to spiral into a depression no matter what.
Brego knew that Ivan died on the place and he spiraled into a depression. Zeke knew that Bo left but didn't go into a depression (or at least not a severe one). But with Diavlo being SO connected to Jessie (even more so than Ivan and Brego who were together all the time), I'm not sure what to do. Diavlo seems like he can't function without Jessie in his sites.
I don't know what to do. But no matter what, we'll have to get everything lined up pretty soon. If the heat continues, I know it's not fair to keep her going. I want her to have a belly full of grass, a mouth full of grain, and sunshine on her back when she goes. But I hadn't prepared myself for making the phone call so soon. It'll be this month, but I'm not sure when this month and how to handle Diavlo after that.
My already somewhat precarious emotional and mental state is fragile right now and making this tough decision is going to really stress me out.
At the end of May we took a much needed mental and emotional break from reality and when we returned I knew I wasn't looking through rose colored glasses. Jessie looks terrible. I haven't been around her mentally to really make the connection that her time on earth is nearing its end. She's not told me she's ready until I put her into the pasture. Diavlo was pushing her around and I could tell that she's not got the spark like she used to.
I want to wait and see if the grass is what she needs but I don't think so. Looking at her, she looks terrible. I don't even need to compare her to anyone else. She's lost so much weight over the last month that I'm ashamed I've let her go so far. I know weight loss can be sudden but I questioned it a month ago and thought maybe I was just over reacting. I was not.
I've tried changing up her grain and/or adding more and none of that helps. We'll see what pasture does for her but we may be looking at saying goodbye much sooner than I had expected.
It's not like this day wasn't coming. With our vet telling us she had five loose teeth along with some missing, that when she did lose those teeth, we'd probably have to say goodbye. I guess I'd hoped that I wouldn't have to make this decision until fall when it's easier knowing winter will be here.
I plan on giving her a bit more time to see if the pasture does help but I'm not holding my breath. She's already told me she's tired. I feel like I've done her an injustice. The saying "out of the frying pan, into the fire" keeps coming to mind. Have I done all I can do for her? Would she (and the rest of her herd) been better off with someone else? As it is with the four we were asked to take in last fall, one refused to load and only through the grace of the horse gods was someone able to rehome her that was nearer and who she liked. Ransom we lost within a month of coming to the Sanctuary (again the saying out of the frying pan, into the fire comes to mind), and now Jessie. I feel like I've not only let each individual horse down, but also the owner, and his family.
The problem is going to be with Diavlo. We found out that rather than mother/son, it's sister/brother. No matter the case, Diavlo is so attached to Jessie, I don't know what to do. He hates being away from her. He goes ballistic. If I have decent fencing, he'll pace the fence until she's in eye sight and then he'll stand there and watch her like a hawk. Luckily he's not a fence pusher but he questions the fencing if he's separated.
So what do I do? He's still very much an able bodied horse so there's no thought of saying goodbye to him when we say goodbye to Jessie. That option isn't on the table.
But do we take Diavlo with and let him know that she's gone? Let him see that she's gone and let him mourn? Do we load up Jessie and leave Diavlo home to pace the fence and always wonder? He's going to spiral into a depression no matter what.
Brego knew that Ivan died on the place and he spiraled into a depression. Zeke knew that Bo left but didn't go into a depression (or at least not a severe one). But with Diavlo being SO connected to Jessie (even more so than Ivan and Brego who were together all the time), I'm not sure what to do. Diavlo seems like he can't function without Jessie in his sites.
I don't know what to do. But no matter what, we'll have to get everything lined up pretty soon. If the heat continues, I know it's not fair to keep her going. I want her to have a belly full of grass, a mouth full of grain, and sunshine on her back when she goes. But I hadn't prepared myself for making the phone call so soon. It'll be this month, but I'm not sure when this month and how to handle Diavlo after that.
My already somewhat precarious emotional and mental state is fragile right now and making this tough decision is going to really stress me out.
Monday, November 4, 2019
Waiting
Nothing this weekend went as planned.
We didn't haul hay like we'd planned. It's now all sitting in a different location at the summer retreat. Hopefully next weekend we can get it all hauled home. It's at least moved out of the field so it can't get snowed in. Where it's at now is in a terrible place if the snow comes this week (it won't). This is sort of why I prefer to be as self-sufficient as possible. I really hate having to rely on others because things always happen and they can't help and I'm left holding the bag scrambling to make things work. Or it doesn't get done and that adds more stresses to me.
What's going to happen with Ransom is still up in the air. I have to go to a different vet today to do an x-ray on his feet. My farrier is coming with so we can decide right on the spot what to do. We will hopefully go back to our other vet to put Lace down and if necessary, put Ransom down.
I'm not ready for today. I don't want to say goodbye to Lace but I know she can't make another cold South Dakota winter. Her legs have deteriorated more and this fast approaching cold snap will not do her any good. I'd rather that she leave with sunshine on her back, and grass in her belly. There's no sun but at least there's no snow and it's not bitterly cold. If I think about what's to come this afternoon, I can't breath and I cant' stop crying. It's the part of Sanctuary that I can't handle. I hate this part but I know I have to be the one to make the decision and no one else. If only they would go on their own.
It's simply the part of Sanctuary that I hate. I know that some day I will see them again. They will be without pain. But I will still miss them. I have a hard time with change. I have a hard time with letting go.
And I have no idea what we will do with Ransom. I am guessing that we will be saying goodbye to him as well. It's not fair to make him suffer. He's uncomfortable with the big herd because his feet hurt too much. If we do keep him, he'll be in with Jessie and that will drive Diavlo insane. But I can't keep a water tank going in the middle of winter with four horses on it. It means I'll be hauling 40 gallons or more in the middle of the night because that's when I finally get to do chores, because me doing chores at any other time is an inconvenience to others. So we will wait and see.
I hate the waiting. I hate the not knowing. I am a planner. Today I will simply hate the day.
We didn't haul hay like we'd planned. It's now all sitting in a different location at the summer retreat. Hopefully next weekend we can get it all hauled home. It's at least moved out of the field so it can't get snowed in. Where it's at now is in a terrible place if the snow comes this week (it won't). This is sort of why I prefer to be as self-sufficient as possible. I really hate having to rely on others because things always happen and they can't help and I'm left holding the bag scrambling to make things work. Or it doesn't get done and that adds more stresses to me.
What's going to happen with Ransom is still up in the air. I have to go to a different vet today to do an x-ray on his feet. My farrier is coming with so we can decide right on the spot what to do. We will hopefully go back to our other vet to put Lace down and if necessary, put Ransom down.
I'm not ready for today. I don't want to say goodbye to Lace but I know she can't make another cold South Dakota winter. Her legs have deteriorated more and this fast approaching cold snap will not do her any good. I'd rather that she leave with sunshine on her back, and grass in her belly. There's no sun but at least there's no snow and it's not bitterly cold. If I think about what's to come this afternoon, I can't breath and I cant' stop crying. It's the part of Sanctuary that I can't handle. I hate this part but I know I have to be the one to make the decision and no one else. If only they would go on their own.
It's simply the part of Sanctuary that I hate. I know that some day I will see them again. They will be without pain. But I will still miss them. I have a hard time with change. I have a hard time with letting go.
And I have no idea what we will do with Ransom. I am guessing that we will be saying goodbye to him as well. It's not fair to make him suffer. He's uncomfortable with the big herd because his feet hurt too much. If we do keep him, he'll be in with Jessie and that will drive Diavlo insane. But I can't keep a water tank going in the middle of winter with four horses on it. It means I'll be hauling 40 gallons or more in the middle of the night because that's when I finally get to do chores, because me doing chores at any other time is an inconvenience to others. So we will wait and see.
I hate the waiting. I hate the not knowing. I am a planner. Today I will simply hate the day.
Friday, November 1, 2019
Hauling Hay and Vet Appointments
I got a call last night that our hay can now be picked up. The September flooding in Madison flooded out the road to where our hay is sitting. Now that the crops are out of the fields and the ground is slightly harder now, we can start hauling hay home.
We plan on doing that this weekend. Our hay guy was going to get it out of the field this weekend no matter what so there's no threat of it getting snowed in. Where it's at, is a prime location for snow drifts and making it impossible to get there with a truck and trailer. So we'll be hauling home 55 bales of big round bales. I'll be happy to have them home. Not so happy to pay for the hay. We've been really low on fundraising this year. We've been doing donations through Facebook but discovered the third-party company helping is taking a huge chunk of money so we'll be boycotting their donate button from now on. Sad cuz it was handy. I expect our donations online to go down. But to find the $4,000 to pay for the hay is going to be tough.
But once the hay is home, I'll heave a sigh of relief. It's one less thing to worry about for this winter. I expect a bad winter but know if we are prepared with enough hay, that I won't have to worry about keeping our seniors fat and happy, which is our ultimate goal at Borderlands.
In other news, my farrier is willing to help haul horses to the vet on Monday so I'm waiting to see if Monday works. It's also the nicest day this week (and will probably be the last nice day until spring).
I don't want to go tho.
It means we have to say goodbye to Lace and I'm just not ready. But time is running out to say goodbye and ensure she stays happy and not in pain. Her legs are failing and with the colder weather setting in, I want to do right by her. So we'll be saying goodbye to Lace next week.
We will be doing x-rays on Ransom to see what his feet look like. I expect they are bad so we'll have to make the tough decision to say goodbye to him as well. It's a tough decision no matter what. But I have to say goodbye to Lace and take care of her body now that disposal is an issue these days, it makes sense to make sure Ransom doesn't suffer either. We'll see how it goes.
I'm going to try and get Jessie into the vet as well. I'm not sure if that will work though. She might not load in the trailer. If she loads, she might lose her mind. And if she loads and lets the others load, I have to make sure Diavlo doesn't lose his mind. I'll be taking all his family away from him. He's finally leaving Jessie's side to graze in the non-existent pasture. Ransom is out on the pasture because he doesn't feel good enough to be in the big herd to eat hay. So that means he's staying far away. If we lose Ransom, I may put Diavlo in with Jessie since it'll just be Mayhem and Jessie in the pasture. If we keep Ransom, then he'll go in with Mayhem and Jessie but that'll make Diavlo mad. But I can't keep up with four horses on a water tank. As it is, Jessie drinks a LOT of water. That or it's Mayhem but I can't keep up. I wish we would have been able to get the water lines buried but that didn't happen. I'm going to really push to get water lines buried next spring so that I don't have to deal with hauling water in the winter. We are so busy these days I need to come up with ways to shorten my chores so I'm not out doing chores late at night (like I do most nights after the kids go to bed). It's really tough to don the heavy winter clothes to do chores at 10pm in the dead of winter.
We have lots going on in the next week. There's going to be many tears on my part but that's a part of Sanctuary life. Laughter and joy when we open our doors to a deserving senior and even more tears when we have to make the decision to say goodbye.
I'm feeling overwhelmed with everything going on. My head and heart can't seem to take everything that's going on. I could really use some moral support right about now.
We plan on doing that this weekend. Our hay guy was going to get it out of the field this weekend no matter what so there's no threat of it getting snowed in. Where it's at, is a prime location for snow drifts and making it impossible to get there with a truck and trailer. So we'll be hauling home 55 bales of big round bales. I'll be happy to have them home. Not so happy to pay for the hay. We've been really low on fundraising this year. We've been doing donations through Facebook but discovered the third-party company helping is taking a huge chunk of money so we'll be boycotting their donate button from now on. Sad cuz it was handy. I expect our donations online to go down. But to find the $4,000 to pay for the hay is going to be tough.
But once the hay is home, I'll heave a sigh of relief. It's one less thing to worry about for this winter. I expect a bad winter but know if we are prepared with enough hay, that I won't have to worry about keeping our seniors fat and happy, which is our ultimate goal at Borderlands.
In other news, my farrier is willing to help haul horses to the vet on Monday so I'm waiting to see if Monday works. It's also the nicest day this week (and will probably be the last nice day until spring).
I don't want to go tho.
It means we have to say goodbye to Lace and I'm just not ready. But time is running out to say goodbye and ensure she stays happy and not in pain. Her legs are failing and with the colder weather setting in, I want to do right by her. So we'll be saying goodbye to Lace next week.
We will be doing x-rays on Ransom to see what his feet look like. I expect they are bad so we'll have to make the tough decision to say goodbye to him as well. It's a tough decision no matter what. But I have to say goodbye to Lace and take care of her body now that disposal is an issue these days, it makes sense to make sure Ransom doesn't suffer either. We'll see how it goes.
I'm going to try and get Jessie into the vet as well. I'm not sure if that will work though. She might not load in the trailer. If she loads, she might lose her mind. And if she loads and lets the others load, I have to make sure Diavlo doesn't lose his mind. I'll be taking all his family away from him. He's finally leaving Jessie's side to graze in the non-existent pasture. Ransom is out on the pasture because he doesn't feel good enough to be in the big herd to eat hay. So that means he's staying far away. If we lose Ransom, I may put Diavlo in with Jessie since it'll just be Mayhem and Jessie in the pasture. If we keep Ransom, then he'll go in with Mayhem and Jessie but that'll make Diavlo mad. But I can't keep up with four horses on a water tank. As it is, Jessie drinks a LOT of water. That or it's Mayhem but I can't keep up. I wish we would have been able to get the water lines buried but that didn't happen. I'm going to really push to get water lines buried next spring so that I don't have to deal with hauling water in the winter. We are so busy these days I need to come up with ways to shorten my chores so I'm not out doing chores late at night (like I do most nights after the kids go to bed). It's really tough to don the heavy winter clothes to do chores at 10pm in the dead of winter.
We have lots going on in the next week. There's going to be many tears on my part but that's a part of Sanctuary life. Laughter and joy when we open our doors to a deserving senior and even more tears when we have to make the decision to say goodbye.
I'm feeling overwhelmed with everything going on. My head and heart can't seem to take everything that's going on. I could really use some moral support right about now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)