Goodbye Good Friday Jessie

Friday we said goodbye to Good Friday Jessie. I just realized now that we laid her to rest on a Friday and she was born on a Friday. Rather fitting.


Jessie had been going downhill since early May and I'd turned a blind eye to her deterioration. Making the call these days is harder because we have to line up not just the vet, but also the excavator since we now bury everyone on family land until a different option becomes available or until the family land is no longer available.


In true Jessie fashion, she had to be the boss as to when she would leave. We had to reschedule the appointment for later in the day because she simply didn't want to leave. With the help of two very amazing horse women and Jessie deciding she was ready, we loaded her up. I had questioned on whether to take Diavlo but after having loaded him (to try and convince Jessie to go), we opted to leave him home. He threw a massive temper tantrum because I think he too knew what was going on and wasn't ready yet to let go.


Oddly enough, earlier in the week for four straight days we had 90+ degree weather and 25+ mph winds. Thursday rolled around and we had rain and chilly temps. Not just a light shower but good old fashioned thunderstorms and showers (I think, I slept through most of them in the night). But Friday rolled around and there was no wind, no excessive heat, and no rain. It was a beautiful day. If I had to choose a day to leave this earth, it would have been a day like Friday.


Jessie left with a belly full of grain mash, grass under her hooves, and sunshine shining down on her back. She's now buried on the same land as Ransom in a peaceful little spot away from all commotion. I do believe that she was ready to go. She'd been tired for quite some time and her passing was very quick.


I try never to talk politics or religion but with sanctuary work, I have to believe in heaven. I have a theory that it takes 11 hours to get to heaven after leaving your body. I'm sure some will think I'm crazy but I've noticed that about 11 hours after a loved one passes, that they send a sign. Oddly enough, Jessie I believe sent a sign Friday night. Wouldn't you know, she was a few hours early. Of course she had to prove me wrong by speeding up the time and because she was a mare always on the go, I'm sure she never once walked the path to get to heaven. I'm sure she was on a gallop the entire way there. The entire family was outside Friday evening after the sun had set. My oldest was the first to mention that he felt a rain drop.  Wouldn't you know, Jessie would let my kids know before me that she'd reached heaven. I felt a few raindrops too (as did my daughter). I think it was Jessie's way of letting us know that she'd made it and was fine.


As my kids grow older and start to understand more about life and death, we talk more about it. We've spent a great deal of time talking about Jessie and where she went after living with us. It's not a topic I want to discuss with my almost 8 year old let alone my almost 5 year old but it is something that should be discussed. Luckily we have done this discussion in such a manner that they aren't scared of death. (But as a 5 year old, the only thing you're normally scared of is the dark.) It does make Jessie's passing a bit harder for me and a bit bitter sweet.


Jessie was with us for only 8 months. It was such a very short time. I had hoped she'd be with us for at least a few more months. But it's not always up to me. The horses are the ones who decide when they are ready to leave this earth and I have to be responsible enough to help them when they ask. I will regret that I didn't pay more attention to Jessie's request when she told me earlier. I need to remember it's about quality, not quantity of life at the sanctuary.


I'm sure she's having a grand old time up in heaven kicking up her hooves and racing everyone around. She was never one to stand patiently and watch the day go by. She was always the type to be in the middle of everything bossing everyone around. I'm sure she's up in heaving right now doing just that.


Until we meet again Good Friday Jessie. You are dearly missed by many.

Calming Rain

After three or four straight days of 90+ degree weather and 25+ mph wind, we finally have a break from the weather and are enjoying rain, cooler temps, and no wind. I know we had rain a few weeks back but with 90 degree weather, the grass was starting to burn and dry up. We had an extreme drought eight years ago and we barely survived. If we were to have a drought now, I'm not sure my sanity could handle it.


After everyone else went to bed last night, I finally got out to do chores in the dark. It was still windy but the temps were manageable. In fact, I pulled a chair out into the driveway and just sat looking at the stars for a bit after everything was done. Every once in a while I'd see a flash in the sky of lightening. After I went in for the night, I checked my phone to see how close the storm was. Oddly, it was miles and miles and miles away. It's amazing how far you can see some days/nights when looking up at the sky.


It's going to remain quiet for the remainder of the week. We are still coming to terms and preparing ourselves mentally to let Jessie go. I think my worrying for Diavlo's depression is overtaking my sorrow for losing Jessie. Hopefully Diavlo will bond with Mayhem. If not, I may shake it up a bit and put him in with the big herd. But if he bonds severely with Chaos, we'll have problems because Chaos is one that we take out of the herd and take to different places.


I do hope that the rain predicted for tomorrow holds off until after we lay Jessie to rest. The plan is to bury her next to Ransom and the others. It's hard enough juggling the vet's schedule and the excavator's schedule. Now we have to throw in the weather's decision to go from 90+ degrees and gusty to severe thunderstorms. I guess it is what it is and we'll take the weather as it comes.


It is refreshing though to finally have the windows open and listen to the rain. There's something about listening to rain that is calming, which is something I desperately need at the moment.

The Last Call

We made the excruciating decision last week that should have been made a month ago to let Jessie go. I see her now and realize she told me a month ago she was ready and I ignored her. Now we are dealing with extreme heat (we don’t normally get 90s this time of year) and the flies are vicious. The blood sucking flies don’t normally come out until August and they are already out. So now I feel even worse that she’s had to endure weight loss, heat, and now flies. But I wasn’t ready to let her go and I wasn’t ready yet to deal with Diavlo’s impending depression.

His depression is going to be sever and long lasting. He’s in a herd with Mayhem so he’s not alone. I could put him in with the big herd and see if anyone takes an interest in him. But that leaves Mayhem alone and he knows her and there’s some comfort in knowing one another. Although Diavlo did seem to like Chaos (another big black horse probably reminded him of Pepper), I don’t know that Chaos has the compassion needed to comfort another horse that is grieving.

To say I am worried is an understatement. The day itself is going to be hard enough and Jessie isn’t exactly happy about being loaded into a trailer. When we hauled her to the vet last fall to get her teeth floated, she pawed the entire way there and the entire time we were checking out Ransom. We are also supposed to have a chance for rain on Friday (typical for that weekend since I’m normally in Estelline to perform with Dakota Thunder Mounted Drill Team at the Estelline Rodeo, which was cancelled due to COVID-19). But I suspect it will rain so we’ll have to deal with that added stress as well.

But I looked at her yesterday and I could tell in her eyes that she was tired. Whether it was from the heat, the flies, the weight loss, or just being tired, she’s ready to go. I look at her now and see how drastically she dropped weight and wished I’d made the decision sooner. We always keep them a tad too long instead of help them cross over sooner. I know I’ve done it time and again where I’ve waited longer than I should have. Sadly, when they give me the sign, I need to act fairly quickly. It shows their quality of life is not what it used to be and since I am their care taker, I need to do what’s best for them. Making that decision and not ignoring their request is tough to do but needs to be done. I have no idea why I turned a blind eye to Jessie’s request a month ago. Maybe I was wishing and hoping for the best. Maybe I didn’t want to face the inevitable. I don’t know. But I know I did her wrong in waiting as long as I did.

I’m sure that I will be posting more this week, but we will be saying goodbye to Jessie on Friday late morning. I’m not sure if we’ll beat the heat and the storms but it’s scheduled and everything is lined up. In years past, we’d simply make the phone call to the vet. Now it’s a phone call to the vet and a phone call to my uncle to get the excavator lined up. With rendering no longer an option, we now have to weight quality of life a bit sooner and make sure that we aren’t interfering with not just the weather, but farming schedules. We are blessed with having family who’s willing and has the machinery to help with the final part of sanctuary life. Before when it was the vet taking care of it, the decision was hard enough but now without rendering, I have to ask for favors. We could have the vet hire someone to take them away but it would be to the landfill and although it would solve the problem, it doesn’t seem as dignified and it more than doubles the cost. At some point, we may be forced to go that route but for now, we will stick with begging to bury them on family land.

For now, we are going to spend our days pampering Jessie and doing our best to make her feel comfortable in her final week on this earth.

Hauling Hay and Vet Appointments

I got a call last night that our hay can now be picked up. The September flooding in Madison flooded out the road to where our hay is sitting. Now that the crops are out of the fields and the ground is slightly harder now, we can start hauling hay home.


We plan on doing that this weekend. Our hay guy was going to get it out of the field this weekend no matter what so there's no threat of it getting snowed in. Where it's at, is a prime location for snow drifts and making it impossible to get there with a truck and trailer. So we'll be hauling home 55 bales of big round bales. I'll be happy to have them home. Not so happy to pay for the hay. We've been really low on fundraising this year. We've been doing donations through Facebook but discovered the third-party company helping is taking a huge chunk of money so we'll be boycotting their donate button from now on. Sad cuz it was handy. I expect our donations online to go down. But to find the $4,000 to pay for the hay is going to be tough.


But once the hay is home, I'll heave a sigh of relief. It's one less thing to worry about for this winter. I expect a bad winter but know if we are prepared with enough hay, that I won't have to worry about keeping our seniors fat and happy, which is our ultimate goal at Borderlands.


In other news, my farrier is willing to help haul horses to the vet on Monday so I'm waiting to see if Monday works. It's also the nicest day this week (and will probably be the last nice day until spring).


I don't want to go tho.


It means we have to say goodbye to Lace and I'm just not ready. But time is running out to say goodbye and ensure she stays happy and not in pain. Her legs are failing and with the colder weather setting in, I want to do right by her. So we'll be saying goodbye to Lace next week.


We will be doing x-rays on Ransom to see what his feet look like. I expect they are bad so we'll have to make the tough decision to say goodbye to him as well. It's a tough decision no matter what. But I have to say goodbye to Lace and take care of her body now that disposal is an issue these days, it makes sense to make sure Ransom doesn't suffer either. We'll see how it goes.


I'm going to try and get Jessie into the vet as well. I'm not sure if that will work though. She might not load in the trailer. If she loads, she might lose her mind. And if she loads and lets the others load, I have to make sure Diavlo doesn't lose his mind. I'll be taking all his family away from him. He's finally leaving Jessie's side to graze in the non-existent pasture. Ransom is out on the pasture because he doesn't feel good enough to be in the big herd to eat hay. So that means he's staying far away. If we lose Ransom, I may put Diavlo in with Jessie since it'll just be Mayhem and Jessie in the pasture. If we keep Ransom, then he'll go in with Mayhem and Jessie but that'll make Diavlo mad. But I can't keep up with four horses on a water tank. As it is, Jessie drinks a LOT of water. That or it's Mayhem but I can't keep up. I wish we would have been able to get the water lines buried but that didn't happen. I'm going to really push to get water lines buried next spring so that I don't have to deal with hauling water in the winter. We are so busy these days I need to come up with ways to shorten my chores so I'm not out doing chores late at night (like I do most nights after the kids go to bed). It's really tough to don the heavy winter clothes to do chores at 10pm in the dead of winter.


We have lots going on in the next week. There's going to be many tears on my part but that's a part of Sanctuary life. Laughter and joy when we open our doors to a deserving senior and even more tears when we have to make the decision to say goodbye.


I'm feeling overwhelmed with everything going on. My head and heart can't seem to take everything that's going on. I could really use some moral support right about  now.

Good Friday Jessie

I think Good Friday Jessie (Jessie to us) is starting to learn the routine. Every night I take her out so she can have her grain mash. Last night I had to leave her tied to the hay ring to fix a gate the other herd and pushed down off the block and came back. Jessie must have picked her head up to look around because there was grain on the ground. All the other times when I hover over her, she won't lift her head.


She sorta stands to be caught to put a halter on to lead her out. I need to work with the other two geldings so they get used to getting caught as well. (I also need to work on my personal horse, Lightening).


When I had Lace and Jessie grained, Jim wandered up. Leave it to Jim to wander up from the pasture just at the tail end of feeding time. So I got his grain mash going and let him into the barn. We need to clean out the leanto portion of the barn. They always poop right in front of the door. So while I was fighting with the door, Jim decided he was coming in come hell or high water. Luckily he didn't hurt me but he did surprise me. So now I have one more thing on my list to get that door fixed.


Sadly Jim had to stand in the barn for a few hours while Mike went to help with a prayer service and I took care of the kids. I don't think Jim minded one bit. He's not exactly a "Barn Babe" but he doesn't mind hanging out and chilling.


I wish the days weren't getting so short so fast. We have a bunch of projects that need to be started before winter arrives. I have a feeling winter will be here sooner than I want. I always think I'll be organized but this year has been a real struggle. I blame juggling three kids but in truth it is juggling the oldest's activities. I hate to see what happens when all three are in activities. I may lose my  mind. Sadly we have cold and dreary weather in the forecast for tomorrow so I'm not sure how much stuff we'll get done. If I can't get the horse home tomorrow with help from trainers, I'll be leading her home on Sunday and that will burn up the last nice day we'll probably have that I can get anything done.


I am to the point where I can easily say, I need help. So if anyone wants to help in any fashion, let me know. There's lost of stuff that doesn't directly involve the horses. Or If you want to be directly involved, there's projects there too! There is no end in sight for the list of stuff that needs to get done so whatever your skills and whatever you like to work on, I am sure we have that project! So stop on out!

Jessie and Diavlo