Jessie Update

I had hoped we could hold off making a decision about Jessie until this fall. I don't think that's going to be the case. She'd been holding weight ok all winter and then in March, she started dropping weight. I thought maybe it was just me trying to not look through rose colored glasses.


At the end of May we took a much needed mental and emotional break from reality and when we returned I knew I wasn't looking through rose colored glasses. Jessie looks terrible. I haven't been around her mentally to really make the connection that her time on earth is nearing its end. She's not told me she's ready until I put her into the pasture. Diavlo was pushing her around and I could tell that she's not got the spark like she used to.


I want to wait and see if the grass is what she needs but I don't think so. Looking at her, she looks terrible. I don't even need to compare her to anyone else. She's lost so much weight over the last month that I'm ashamed I've let her go so far. I know weight loss can be sudden but I questioned it a month ago and thought maybe I was just over reacting. I was not.


I've tried changing up her grain and/or adding more and none of that helps. We'll see what pasture does for her but we may be looking at saying goodbye much sooner than I had expected.


It's not like this day wasn't coming. With our vet telling us she had five loose teeth along with some missing, that when she did lose those teeth, we'd probably have to say goodbye. I guess I'd hoped that I wouldn't have to make this decision until fall when it's easier knowing winter will be here.


I plan on giving her a bit more time to see if the pasture does help but I'm not holding my breath. She's already told me she's tired. I feel like I've done her an injustice. The saying "out of the frying pan, into the fire" keeps coming to mind. Have I done all I can do for her? Would she (and the rest of her herd) been better off with someone else? As it is with the four we were asked to take in last fall, one refused to load and only through the grace of the horse gods was someone able to rehome her that was nearer and who she liked. Ransom we lost within a month of coming to the Sanctuary (again the saying out of the frying pan, into the fire comes to mind), and now Jessie. I feel like I've not only let each individual horse down, but also the owner, and his family.


The problem is going to be with Diavlo. We found out that rather than mother/son, it's sister/brother. No matter the case, Diavlo is so attached to Jessie, I don't know what to do. He hates being away from her. He goes ballistic. If I have decent fencing, he'll pace the fence until she's in eye sight and then he'll stand there and watch her like a hawk. Luckily he's not a fence pusher but he questions the fencing if he's separated.


So what do I do? He's still very much an able bodied horse so there's no thought of saying goodbye to him when we say goodbye to Jessie. That option isn't on the table.


But do we take Diavlo with and let him know that she's gone? Let him see that she's gone and let him mourn? Do we load up Jessie and leave Diavlo home to pace the fence and always wonder? He's going to spiral into a depression no matter what.


Brego knew that Ivan died on the place and he spiraled into a depression. Zeke knew that Bo left but didn't go into a depression (or at least not a severe one). But with Diavlo being SO connected to Jessie (even more so than Ivan and Brego who were together all the time), I'm not sure what to do. Diavlo seems like he can't function without Jessie in his sites.


I don't know what to do. But no matter what, we'll have to get everything lined up pretty soon. If the heat continues, I know it's not fair to keep her going. I want her to have a belly full of grass, a mouth full of grain, and sunshine on her back when she goes. But I hadn't prepared myself for making the phone call so soon. It'll be this month, but I'm not sure when this month and how to handle Diavlo after that.


My already somewhat precarious emotional and mental state is fragile right now and making this tough decision is going to really stress me out.