Monday, November 4, 2019

Waiting

Nothing this weekend went as planned.


We didn't haul hay like we'd planned. It's now all sitting in a different location at the summer retreat. Hopefully next weekend we can get it all hauled home. It's at least moved out of the field so it can't get snowed in. Where it's at now is in a terrible place if the snow comes this week (it won't). This is sort of why I prefer to be as self-sufficient as possible. I really hate having to rely on others because things always happen and they can't help and I'm left holding the bag scrambling to make things work. Or it doesn't get done and that adds more stresses to me.


What's going to happen with Ransom is still up in the air. I have to go to a different vet today to do an x-ray on his feet. My farrier is coming with so we can decide right on the spot what to do. We will hopefully go back to our other vet to put Lace down and if necessary, put Ransom down.


I'm not ready for today. I don't want to say goodbye to Lace but I know she can't make another cold South Dakota winter. Her legs have deteriorated more and this fast approaching cold snap will not do her any good. I'd rather that she leave with sunshine on her back, and grass in her belly. There's no sun but at least there's no snow and it's not bitterly cold. If I think about what's to come this afternoon, I can't breath and I cant' stop crying. It's the part of Sanctuary that I can't handle. I hate this part but I know I have to be the one to make the decision and no one else. If only they would go on their own.


It's simply the part of Sanctuary that I hate. I know that some day I will see them again. They will be without pain. But I will still miss them. I have a hard time with change. I have a hard time with letting go.


And I have no idea what we will do with Ransom. I am guessing that we will be saying goodbye to him as well. It's not fair to make him suffer. He's uncomfortable with the big herd because his feet hurt too much. If we do keep him, he'll be in with Jessie and that will drive Diavlo insane. But I can't keep a water tank going in the middle of winter with four horses on it. It means I'll be hauling 40 gallons or more in the middle of the night because that's when I finally get to do chores, because me doing chores at any other time is an inconvenience to others. So we will wait and see.


I hate the waiting. I hate the not knowing. I am a planner. Today I will simply hate the day.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.