Helpless

Yesterday I stood in the drylot doing my best to not lose it completely. I know it was from sheer exhaustion (no sleep and this darn cold). There were too many things against me yesterday, or so it seemed but I'm sure it was the exhaustion.

The same person who we got Thor from is now dumping about 20 horses on the local classifieds.  I feel so helpless and yet the bile keeps rising up in my throat. I know it was never a permanent home but I get
so angry when people don't think about the long term plans for a horse.

Add to that, I'm facing a sad realization with Thor. I had hoped to wait to lay Thor to rest until September but I don't think that's going to happen. He's still dropping weight. I'm not sure if it's the heat or not. I've wormed him, he's on 24x7 round bale of hay, he gets grain, and he had his teeth floated. I'm sure there's more that I could be doing but I'd only be prolonging the inevitable. I just wish I didn't have to make the decision as soon. I had planned on taking both Thor and Queen in at the same time but maybe that's not fair either. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to say goodbye to two at one time anyway. 

Whatever the case may be, the realization that we are going to lose Thor much sooner than expected simply crushed me. As I type this, I'm sitting in tears trying to keep myself composed and I just can't. Life isn't fair some days. I'm sure it's the exhaustion still speaking but it' hard to be positive when faced with that terrible decision.

If the heat continues to rise, I'll have to make the decision sooner than I thought. I didn't want to make any decisions until at least the end of August but I am now looking at putting Thor down sometime this month. The weatherman is already calling for 90s next week. I'm just not sure that Thor's body can hold up to that type of heat. If we are going to have heat like we did last week, I'll be making the call to the vet in the next week or so. 

I'll apologize now if I'm down in the dumps for the next few posts. No sleep, being sick, dealing with family matters, worrying about the price of hay, worrying about the cost of feed, realizing that it's almost the beginning "season" of dumping horses, and dealing with this constant drought and pastures drying up has me over my limit on coping. Some days I feel helpless.