February 25, 2007 - Ten Years Ago

It’s been ten years and the ache is still there.

February 25, 2007 I lost my first horse, my dream horse.  Ten years later, the hole he left behind is still there. I have very few regrets in my person life. In my Sanctuary life, those regrets continue to pile up. On February 25, 2007, was one of those regrets that made me change how I would care for the older horses of the Sanctuary.

My biggest regret was not being there when my first horse died. He had his best friend standing over him but I was not with him. I was not there to say goodbye and to reassure him that I would meet him again some day. I regret that he left this world at night, in the dark and cold. I regret that he didn’t have the sun shining on his back with a belly full of green grass.

After his loss, I vowed that I would never let another of our horses pass away without me by their side. I made the decision then, that instead of letting nature take its course that I would assist when the time came. South Dakota winters are tough and unpredictable. They take a toll even on the healthiest of horses. The older and weaker horses struggle and need more attention. For that reason, I vowed that any horse that was in my care would leave this earth not in the dead of winter if I could control it.

I watch the horses closely and can always tell when the inevitable is nearing. There’s usually months of stress and then weeks of tears before the final day. But always that final day is in the fall. Perhaps there isn’t a lot of green grass left and perhaps the sun isn’t shining on their backs but at least it’s not cold and snowy.

Ten years ago was a wakeup call. I was sitting in this very room when I found out. Devastation and remorse. The what-ifs will always bother me.

I learned a lot from that old ranch horse who’d traveled far. He taught me patience, perseverance, and persistence. Not many have the opportunity to say that their very first horse ever was their dream horse. I did. And the hole in my heart is still there from his passing. We will meet again some day but hopefully in the meantime I can provide a soft landing for others that deserve it and you can welcome them when they are no longer on this earth.

Ten years and counting.

Tiny Dictator - May 21, 1979 to February 25, 2007

Eight Years Ago

Hard to believe that it's been eight years.

Eight years ago I was sitting in this very exact room when I found out my beloved first horse had died. He'd been my dream horse (although possibly not my heart horse). Not many can say that their first horse was their dream horse but I can.

With is passing, I started changing my thinking. It took me a few more years to finally pinpoint what I wanted to do with the Sanctuary. Not only did his passing teach me so much about senior horses, but also about the care that went in to him while aging taught me much.

I'm afraid I did him a disservice by not being there at the very end and pampering him like I do the current residents at the Sanctuary. I can't make it up to him but I can make sure that the current residents will always have a warm blanket, a belly full of food, and a place to call home.

The ache of his passing is still there even after eight years. I believe it will always be there as a reminder to never forget your past and those that went before you.

Some ask how I can go through such heartache. I tell them I would rather have my heart scattered in a million different places with each of their passing's rather than have a whole heart and never known their love and compassion.

Each loved one that has gone before me has made me who I am and continues to make me who I am. I want to continue to hold their memory in my heart because no one should ever be forgotten.

May we meet again some day.

My wise old man, Tiny Dictator

Junior and Tiny Dictator

Monday night the temps were supposed to be below zero with wind chills in the 20 below wind chills. I opted to keep the hard keepers in their stalls and feed extra to the others. I didn't put everyone in because there was no wind. I'm sure with a below zero temp that any wind would make it 100 times worse but everyone could get in out of the wind.

However, this morning I woke up to wind howling. Oh sure, the temps were higher but that wind just cut through everything. I can't believe it's only November and we are dealing with January type weather.

Junior seems to be doing great even with the upheaval of a new home, routine, and feed. He practically haltered himself last night. He is getting where he backs away once his nose is in the halter. I haven't figured out what that's about. He was in his stall finishing up his grain, waiting for his alfalfa and poked his head over the door. I gave his head and ear a good itch and then it hit me. Some of Junior's actions reminded me of my very first horse, Tiny Dictator. The thought left me frozen. Oh sure, Junior is much more friendly then Dictator ever was but some of that affection Junior showed me was exactly the same. I'm thinking maybe Junior was an old ranch horse. He had the benefit of having multiple owners who doted on him where Dictator only had three (me being the third) and I was the only one to have doted on him. It was just a weird feeling that came over me last night. It's a bit hard to explain.

Dictator many years ago

Tiny Dictator - My Dream Horse

The first weekend in May is special to me. While everyone else is excited for the Kentucky Derby, I remember and rejoice the first Saturday of every May for a different reason. The exact details are sketchy and fading from my memory. It was 17 years ago this weekend that I bought my first horse. He was a Colorado bred and raised registered Quarter Horse gelding named Tiny Dictator. He’d been used on a ranch for the first eight years. The rancher knew it was time to give some of the younger stock a chance and sold Dictator to my uncle.

We ended up visiting my uncle one summer and that’s when I met Tiny Dictator. I really liked him at first. The next few times we went out to play with him, I fell in love. (I believe in love at second sight.) My uncle had had other horses but there was something about Tiny Dictator that called to me. It could have been his size, his color, his demeanor; I don’t know. At that point, Tiny Dictator became my dream horse. I know at some point I informed my parents and my uncle that some day I would own Dictator. I was a patient girl and would wait for him.

As it so happened, my uncle decided he would sell Dictator to me (eight years later). With my parent’s consent, I became the proud owner of my dream horse. Of course, in a teenage girl’s world, everything is easy. Just load the horse up and haul him to South Dakota. What a blessing I have to be related to such amazing family. My uncle loaded Dictator and hauled him the 17-hour trip from Colorado to South Dakota, made longer with a flat tire on the trailer.

Dictator arrived that first Saturday in May. Unfortunately, I wasn’t there to see him unload. I was at a track meet (but wishing I was home). By the time I finally got home, it was dark. My uncle had put Dictator in the barn so the only thing I could see of him was his big white snip. Oh how I wish it had been daylight so I could see my beautiful dream horse.

I don’t know of many who get their dream horse as their first horse. Oh it wasn’t all good. Dictator was used to men riding him so having a teenage girl bouncing around on him who didn’t know what she was doing made for some interesting trips around the yard. The first six months I swore I was going to sell him. But it was all a learning curve on both our parts. We were both 16 at the time. Dictator with years of experience and me with absolutely no experience what so ever.

But we grew together and learned from each other. Watching Dictator grow old was the prime reason why I switched from rescue to sanctuary. Dictator was one of the lucky ones. He only had three owners. Not many horses can say that. He was well cared for by all three owners and loved by all. Once while Dad was out elk hunting in Colorado, he came upon someone who remembered Dictator from his ranching days. It was amazing to know that Dictator had made such an impression on not just me but others.

Watching a loved one grow old is hard. At the time, I didn’t know what I know now. He taught me so much the entire time I was blessed to care for him. My only regret is that I wasn’t there when he passed away. I will carry that regret for the rest of my life. I had been preparing myself for his loss but when it actually happened, I wasn’t prepared. I should have been with him. That’s when I made the decision to be a sanctuary instead of a rescue. Because I promised myself that I would always be there until the end for each of the horses in my care. Every horse should be worshipped and loved until their final breath. Every horse should be loved and cried over. No one should be forgotten. Of all the lessons Dictator taught me, that’s the one that really stuck in my head.

He’s been gone now for five years. It still breaks my heart to not see him standing in the pasture but I know he lived a full and happy life. I will be silently celebrating Dictator’s and my anniversary tomorrow (even if it’s not the exact date). He was one special horse (as they all are).

I can honestly say I have been blessed. How many girls can say that their first horse was their dream horse? I can.