Thinking About Bo

I cried myself to sleep last night. I don't think Bo has much time left on this Earth and I think he's going to leave it to me to make that decision rather than go on his own (but most have forced me to make the decision for them as well). It's always a tough decision. It's devastating for me but for some reason, I'm really struggling with Bo.


The other night, I went out to let him out of his stall and he let out the biggest whinny. It's the same whinny I get when it's time to eat, but this time it was simply to say hello. Or it could have been, LET ME OUT because I'd left him in with no friends. Jim rushed at him trying to get into the barn and I'd had enough of Jim's bad behavior rushing the door and either pushing Bo out of the way or trying to cram two bodies in through a door the size of me.


But that whinny. That loud, vocal hello (or get me outta here, whichever it was), is too much for me. His mind and spirit are still so very, very active and yet his body is breaking down right before my eyes. He always comes up lame, every 6-8 months and it's never the same foot or leg. But this time, it's painfully obvious that his entire back end hurts, more so his right rear.  He's also starting to drop weight even though he's on a heavy ration of grain that helps with his ulcers.


Maybe I'm being selfish. Maybe I'm keeping him around only to be selfish because I don't want to make that decision. I'm going to have to make that phone call pretty soon though. But it hurts and he hasnt' told me he's ready. His body has but his mind has not. How can I be so unfair? How is it fair to keep him going when his body is falling apart right before my eyes? But how is it fair to say goodbye to someone who greets me at the gate and demands his grain every day?


Bo has always been a complicated horse and I can see now that even in his upcoming, death, he's going to be complicated. Normally I can easily make the decision. Don't get me wrong. Easy is not spoken lightly. I simply know. I know when they are failing and need help. It's not an easy decision nor is it taken lightly. But it's written as plan as letters on a page but with Bo. It's there but I can't seem to read the writing. Maybe I'm being selfish. I don't know. I don't want him to go alone but I also don't want to stress him out because he hates being in a trailer and despises the vet. So that adds undue burden to him. But I don't want to take Zeke because then Zeke will "know" and I don't want to sacrifice one horse's wellbeing for another.


So I wait and I watch and I worry. I would say I'll have to make a decision sometime in March but I just dont' know. That would have given him an additional 5 months from his prognosis in October. It's 5 extra months to have enjoyed Bo's company but it's still only 5 months.


I'm feeling selfish but I'm also not seeing all the signs I normally see. So I don't know. So instead I wait a little longer. For what, I have no idea. It's not like the outcome is going to change. But I wait and I cry myself to sleep thinking about Bo.