Turmoil of the Head and Heart

I'm not sure if this is a post I've written before or if it's just been rambling around in my brain and simply waiting for me to type. I'll be rambling and need to get it off my chest...so either don't read or take it with a grain of salt. :-)


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As a Sanctuary and dealing with senior equines, we are constantly deal with death. There is always the watchful eye on the senior to make sure the quality of life is good and that each equine is comfortable. I'm used to that thought.


But for some reason I'm struggling with the thought of death lately. I'm guessing it's a combination of thoughts. As I look at my daughter, I see new, fresh, and exciting. Everything for her is new. Everything is a new experience and I'm so excited and thankful to be a part of it.  But then my mind thinks about death. Maybe it's my mind trying to protect myself from the past few months. An acquaintance was killed the first part of August. She was young, vibrant, and had her whole future ahead of her. She was on the path to greatness...not to become great but to do great things and to help people. I struggle about her passing some days. We never spoke, we never met in person, I simply followed her life on her blog and Facebook page. Her life intrigued me (because she was doing such amazing work in an area I'll never visit.) So with that shock of her passing, I have been thinking about death.


Then there is the passing of one of our biggest supporters, my grandmother. Now that all the paperwork has been finalized for the trust, I have been getting items from her house. Everywhere I look, I see something of hers. Something she liked, something that made her smile. She's been gone for almost three years and yet I'm struggling with her loss. Maybe more so because the items from her house are also things that my mother had a hand in. Without my mother's help, my grandma wouldn't have stayed in her home as long as she had. So when I look at my grandmother's things, I think of not only her but my mother as well. And then I think about the stresses she's been going through. As she said "It feels like I am an orphan now". It's an odd statement but when you have the support of your family your entire life, and that support breaks even with one person passing, your world turns upside down.


I know my thinking doesn't make much sense. But with all the major changes, I'm struggling. I'm sure it's the stresses of going back to the paying job. Being forced to work at a job while someone else watches my children. Knowing that I could be doing more, making a bigger difference but can't because of politics and money.


Or maybe it's the fact that as much as I want to stay a kid, I'm actually in the prime of my life and I'm seeing life in a different light. I don't want to waste the days away doing meaningless and trivial tasks. I want to be with family and make a difference where it really matters.


I know this post doesn't make any sense and it has nothing to do with horses. But it's all the thoughts banging around in my head and I cant' seem to make heads or tails of them.  I can't seem to come to terms with how life is. My head and my heart are in turmoil and I can't seem to calm it enough to make sense of anything these days.


I'm sure most of this is simply stress of going back to work and trying to figure out how to juggle a paying job, caring for the sanctuary horses, caring for two small children, keeping up with a house, and simply putting one foot in front of another. I had about the same amount of turmoil after my son was born and again after my daughter was born. But the turmoil seems to have reared its ugly head once again.


I guess I'm struggling to come to terms with life. As I knew it then, as I know it now, and as I hope to know in the future.