Heartbroken

I've moved passed the dismayed and the disappointed stage and moved into the heartbroken stage. I never really realized there was one. Recently I've been disappointed with people but the last few days have simply broken my heart.


I'm not sure if it's the weather, the stress of going back to work after being off for such a long time due to maternity leave, or what but I'm simply heart broken. I see people moving forward and I'm not only moving backwards, I'm being sucked into some type of black hole.


Maybe I should hang up the Sanctuary work. I know some would laugh and dance at that idea. It'll be 10 years of doing rescue/sanctuary work come this May. Maybe I'm burned out. Maybe I should just play with the horses that we have and turn a blind eye to the rest. Let someone else do it, since they are the ones who ... well.. I'll not finish that sentence.  I never could figure out how people could be all about a cause and then somehow change their tune and make it all about the money. We are all in it for the same reason. To help the horses. And yet, when it comes right down to it. It's not about the horses, it's about the dollars and cents. Who can get the most so they can get their name out there. It's not about working together for the betterment. It's about taking all the glory and the money.


So maybe, just maybe I'll continue to be quiet and do my own thing. Lurk in the background like I've done for so many years. I've seen too many rescues fold or call themselves rescues and then disappear. I don't want to be one of those. But I'm burned out. Maybe I'll just call myself an individual trying to help out a few horses at a time. There's a lot of people doing that and not asking for money or taking any glory. Maybe that's the way to go.


I get so tired of listening to people ask me to take horses and tell me they can't afford it. I AM the sanctuary. Let me repeat.. I AM the Sanctuary. It's my paycheck and I don't make a lot. I sacrifice. I don't go out asking for a lot of money because I know we aren't a non-profit and who wants to give to an organization that's not a non-profit. But I sacrifice. I don't drink. The last time I bought an alcoholic beverage was in 2011. Why do I remember. Because I just broke open the frozen peach daiquiri the other night. It's been in my freezer since November 2011. I don't eat out often and when I do, it's fast food and the cheapest thing on the menu...always. If you open my cupboards, you'll see that everything is generic. Its' Surfine or Great Value. My one luxury is buying name brand pop. And I keep that to a minimum of one a day. I drive a 13 year old vehicle and try to work one day of work from home to keep the gas bill down. I drive an 11 year old truck and pull a 22 year old stock trailer and if I do pull the big trailer, hell that's 19 years old. Nothing I have is new. I wear hand me down clothes. I get my hair cut twice a year. I don't dye my hair. I can't tell you the last time I went to the movie theater and any movie I've watched at home comes from the $5 bin at Walmart.  We don't have cable, we don't do NetFlix, we don't do Dish. We have basic tv that's free. So don't tell me you can't afford them. Make a sacrifice. I know I sure as hell do.


I guess until I'm out of this funk I'll simply lurk in the background and not post anything. I'd rather not ruin people's holiday cheer.  Ba Humbug