Not Goodbye but See You Later

I knew it was coming and yet I still turned a blind eye. In my mind my brain knew but my heart wasn't ready. I came home Friday night to discover that our faithful little house dog had had a stroke. She didn't improve. We spent the night with her, snuggling on the couch and called the vet in the morning to make arrangements. I'd known a month ago that we needed to put her down a month ago but neither Mike or I could make that call. We said goodbye Saturday morning. I'm still a little in shock and am heartbroken even though I knew it was coming and had to be done. But I hate saying goodbye. This goodbye was a lot harder than some of the others for some reason. I'm guessing because I spent 12 years living with the same dog and being responsible for 12 years. Only Dude has been with us longer. But it's a little different because Trouble lived with us. She snuggled with us, slept with us, ate with us, went on family vacations with us. She wasn't just a dog, but a family member.

I have dealt with death many times and for some reason didn't understand what others were going through when they lost their beloved house dog. Now I do. We lost LeRoy, my beloved shepherd mutt on Christmas Day 2007 and that was a heartache but the passing of Trouble seems to be an even bigger heartache.

I'm not sure if it's better to plan for it and cry for the few days between the phone call and the actual deed or if it's better to have the shock of making the decision and having to act quickly. I think I'm still reeling but being that Trouble was with us for 12 years is probably the biggest deciding factor. I'm not sure how many times in the past 24 hours I've thought "oh I need to let Trouble out" or "oh her water dish is empty" but then I remember.

And the worst is she gave me the look. That look of "what are they doing to me" just before she passed. That will haunt me for awhile.

So while we continue with our daily chores and tasks at the Sanctuary, our hearts are very sorrowful and we all need time to adjust. If I'm not  posting anything (or at least not posting about the daily activities at the Sanctuary, it's because I dont' want to bring anyone down and I'm simply at a loss for words because I'm still dealing with the loss.)

This is not goodbye but See Ya Later Alligator.