Farewell Flower

It’s been four days since we lost Flower. I had such high hopes that the vet could do something with her foot but in the end, the only right thing to do was put her down. Her other front leg was starting to fail and she was down more than up. She’d had a good morning Thursday and that’s all I can ask for.

I still feel guilty as hell. I expect I always will. But after the initial puncture wound healed and the abscess broke, she started walking on her tiptoe. I guess that’s a sign that there’s really nothing left to do but put her down. The vet suspected the infection worked its way into the joint. Oh sure, we could have done a bunch of extensive procedures on her and still only had a 50/50 shot at it working. I feel bad for not looking further into those procedures but I had to look at her quality of life, cost be damned. But I didn’t see her quality of life getting any better. If she had been younger, if she had another good leg, the decision would have been different. But I didn’t want to put her through any more procedures that might not help but still put her through so much pain.

Instead, we chose to euthanize her. It was quick but still heart breaking for me. I wasn’t completely prepared for the loss. The place seems different without her here.

Even the vet, who normally never remarks on the horses, gushed on about Flower and what a really good horse she was. He’d only seen her once before but I think he liked her then too and felt just as bad as I did about the loss. It’s still painful to think of her being gone. I miss the low pitched whinnies at grain time. I miss her trotting around, impatiently waiting for her food.

There are few horses that I instantly bond with. There are few that I feel so comfortable with them within the first 24 hours. Flower was one of those horses. After the first 24 hours of her being at Borderlands, I could have sworn that she had spent the last 24 years here instead.

We moved Queen back to the blind pen Thursday evening. I think she preferred the extra attention near the barn. We had to push a bale in to the blind pen Friday evening. I typically distract the blind horses with grain. I figured I’d be able to distract Queen too. Nope, the minute I opened the gate, she bolted (well, as fast as a 34 year old with arthritis can bolt!) I let her go, knowing she wouldn’t go far. I don’t mind that she’s a little pushy and will make a break for the gate. I figure if she’s 34 years old, she can do whatever she wants. Who knows how much longer we will be blessed with her presence. I want to enjoy it while she’s here and let her enjoy life. Queen bolted for the barn and ended up standing in the barn waiting for one of us to come meet her. I guess she figured she should be back in her old pen.

When the vet arrived Thursday, I had both Flower and Queen out munching on grass. We led Flower away from the barn and Queen followed. I didn’t really want Queen around. I wanted to save her the pain of knowing Flower was gone. She did end up wandering away but she knew what had happened to Flower. As the vet pulled out of the driveway I lost all my self-composure and you know what that darn Queen did? She went straight over to me and let me cry in her mane. That regal lady knows how to comfort a girl. I don’t know what I’ll do without her. I’ve never met another old mare willing to put her heart on the line (unless of course it was Flower).

It’s still hard to take and there’s a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes right now. I’m not sure I’ll ever be totally over losing Flower. Of course, I’m never over losing any of the herd. Flower was an amazing horse and assured her spot in heaven. She’s definitely missed. She might have only been here for nine months but she made a huge impact and will be forever missed.