Goodbye Rabbit

My heart is constricted and I'm surprised that I can even write at the moment. Maybe because I don't have to actually speak words it's easier. Thankfully I'm at home for the paying job so I can burst into tears while I write this.


I was afraid that I was getting immune to saying goodbye but I'm not. I guess that's a good thing. I guess that means I'm still human.


I let Rabbit out to graze in the yard this morning because the pasture isn't nearly as lush, what with having Bo on the pasture for the past month. I gave Rabbit her final meal of grain and groomed her to get rid of every speck of dirt. She was such a gorgeous girl. She looked every bit a healthy horse if you didn't watch her walk. Her eyes were doing ok and her breathing wasn't bad...until after her grain. I think she was allergic to some of the grains as well as having summer allergies.


I did do a short video of Rabbit eating but haven't uploaded it yet. The computer wasn't working and I've no energy yet to upload it. I'm afraid I'll burst into tears.


The appointment was scheduled for 9am and I wanted to have Rabbit loaded shortly after 8am so I wouldn't be late and could take my time. Rabbit had other plans. I forget that not everyone is an easy loader. Lightening keeps reminding me of that. I'd only had Rabbit off the place one other time and that was to have her teeth floated when I thought that was the reason for her weight loss and dropping grain. It wasn't, she had good teeth.


I'm sure I spent 20 minutes trying to get her loaded and was so frustrated I didn't know what to do. I played my final loading card and loaded her through the emergency exit on the stock trailer...or whatever that little door is. She loaded like a pro that way. I can't figure out that with horses that won't load through the big stock trailer door will load through the tiny little door that barely fits them. I know I've banged my head on the top of that doorway a number of times.


But Rabbit did load and off we went. I felt bad for her. So many different sounds and sights. So much to take in. Even when we arrived, there was a horse inside the clinic whinnying and she whinnied back. But so much noise compared to what she was used to. I felt bad. Lots of extra stress for both of us.


As always, our vet is quiet, patient, and understanding. He performed the procedure quickly and left me and Rabbit alone afterwards. As he said, the healthy horses take a bit longer to cross over. And apparently Rabbit was healthy. That made me feel a little better. Her shoulder is what ended her life but not taking into consideration her allergies and eyes, she was in really good shape. I'm so used to seeing horses where their bodies can't maintain the weight and they simply start to shrivel up before your eyes. So seeing Rabbit looking so magnificent with such beautiful weight made it even more difficult.


I know I made the right choice but I still wonder. I still question. I still regret.


She had been a castoff from her previous owner, a byproduct of a baby maker like so many other broodmares, but for almost 6 years she was a part of our lives and always wanted. She was misunderstood and had so much to give. She really was a very gentle horse with a genteel demeanor. I feel bad I hadn't recognized that demeanor sooner. Regrets all around I suppose.


I had so much I wanted to do and yet this loss numbs me. Every loss takes a piece of my heart. I am questioned why I would open a Sanctuary and go through such losses willingly. And I always say, It's better to have my heart scattered to the winds than to leave this earth with a whole heart. When my time comes, I hope that I will have done enough, loved enough, and given my all to those I have cared for and hold near to my heart.


It was an honor to care for Rabbit. I can only hope that we gave her the best retirement that a horse could have and that she will no longer feel pain. Run free my genteel Rabbit. We will meet again some day.

Rabbit enjoying her final pasture time

Rabbit Choker Nikki - Born 1993, Sanctuary member September 2011, died May 25, 2017

Goodbye Rabbit. Until we meet again.

Part of Life

I had hoped to be productive last night. Instead... I had a temper tantrum. That's right, adults can have them too. I'm not proud of it but you know what.. it is what it is.


I did let the big herd out on the lawn for a little while. I think after Memorial Weekend, I'll be able to put them on pasture without fear of any issues. I just need to get out to divide the pasture. A task I haven't had any time to take care of.


I don't foresee working on the pasture tonight. I'm going to hang out in Rabbit's pasture and spend some time with her. I didnt' think I was really attached to her. I was wrong. I'm going to really struggle tonight and tomorrow. I haven't had time to think about what is going to happen so I haven't shed a lot of tears but I'm betting tonight and tomorrow morning I'll be a blubbering mess.


I may not post for a bit. I need to let my heart settle. Sometimes I feel like I just can't talk. Like my thoughts are stuck and I can't utter a word. My chest is so constricted that I cant' speak and that forces my brain to shut down and run on auto-pilot. It's been happening all this week. I'm sure it'll happen to tonight and tomorrow.


So if I'm not posting, it's me going into defensive mode so that the loss won't hurt as I know it will. I also don't want to ruin anyone's day by going on about this loss. It's a part of Sanctuary life and I'm honored to have known Rabbit even if I didn't understand her until the last little bit.


So if there's a gap in blogging or posting on Facebook, it's not that I'm not here physically but I need some time. It's been since 2013 that I lost a horse.


Unfortunately I've had to say goodbye to either a dog or a horse every year since 2007 except for 2014. Not sure how that happened. It's difficult but a part of life I guess. Sorry, starting to rambling and totally not what I was going to ramble about but I guess upcoming loss does that to me.

Vacation

How is it that it’s May 23^rd? It should be May 3^rd! I’m even more behind than before. I think I’m to the point where I’m a year behind (or at least that’s how it feels lately).

I shouldn’t complain. I am just getting back from a quick family vacation. Before kids, I used to work 40-60 hours on the Sanctuary after the paying job. Of course I was more focused on the horses and not on the paperwork like I should have been. But I wasn’t a non-profit at the time and the horses’ comfort was my main goal (as it still is).

But with kids, I’ve had to reduce the number of hours I spend on the Sanctuary. I’d like to say that I’m ok with it, but I’m not. But I’m not willing to give up my time with my kids. They are little and in a blink of an eye, they won’t need me. Well, wont’ want to hang out with me and will be doing their own thing. So I’m taking advantage of this time in my life. But that also means less time on the Sanctuary and more time with family.

So you’ll be seeing a few more family vacations and since this is my blog (and my life), I’ll try to share some of our adventures. Because the beauty of some the places we’ll be going to this summer are too precious not to share.

For the past two years, we would head out to Badlands National Park in April to take advantage of their free park week. This year we weren’t able to coordinate schedules to go out in April but we did make it! It’s either my favorite or my second favorite vacation. It’s a super short vacation but oh-so-worth-it! I hope to keep it a tradition so that my kids will have the same ideas of tradition and love of conservation that I do.

Gorgeous doesn’t describe the Badlands. We are usually out there in the fall or early spring when the green hasn’t appeared yet but this time it was gorgeous and flowers were blooming! We missed the storms but the clouds made a perfect backdrop for contrast!

I need to refocus and get the horses out on pasture but I don’t foresee that happening this week. I need to divide the pasture and get some spraying done. But the weather is supposed to be rainy and drizzly until Thursday. And I don’t expect to get much accomplished Thursday.

I’m dreading Thursday. I haven’t had Rabbit off the place except once or twice since we brought her home in September 2011. There was never any need except when she needed to have her teeth floated. When she came up lame, I didn’t want to haul her in fear that she’d fall or be super uncomfortable in traveling on three legs. And for those wondering, we will be going to the vet. We simply don’t have enough land to provide a proper burial of all the Sanctuary horses. It’s not my preference but it’s the most economical route to go and I do have to think dollars and cents to care for the other Sanctuary horses. I’m simply going to pamper Rabbit for the next couple of days and try my best to forget about the upcoming day.

Until then, I’ll leave you with a few scenery pictures from the Badlands. I took a ton of pictures so maybe I’ll try to share some more of them.

Near Dillon Pass. I think this is my favorite part of the Badlands (at least for scenery)



Can you count the number of Bighorn Sheep? We actually saw wild life this time besides those pesky prairie dogs.

Normally I never see flowers but I saw this one and a few others. This time of year is so splendid for flora.

May Showers Bring Lush Pastures

The first day of May, we had a snow storm. The second Monday in May, we had 80 degree temps. All of this week it’s rained like cats and dogs with one short day of reprieve but it was still chilly. Next week we are supposed to have rain until Thursday and then the cold snap will be gone and we’ll be back into the 70s and 80s. Just when May is over.

May is always such a crazy weather month. I never realized it until now.

I didn’t realize how hard it is to schedule anything in May based on weather. I’ll remember that for future reference. I wanted to make sure that Rabbit leaves this world with sunshine on her back and a full belly of grass but it’s been a month of dreary.

But I’m not going to complain. It means moisture. Even though the bottom half of the pasture is flooded out right now, it’ll make the pasture super lush this August. I’m going to divide the pasture and keep the bottom half the pasture fenced off until August when everything starts to dry up. Now the hard part, getting everything fenced off. It’ll only be temporary as I don’t have the funds or time to put in a serious (and permanent) fence.

I have so many plans on what I want to get done and I’m afraid none of it will get done. Mike is finally back to thinking about fencing as well. The drylot fencing has always been terrible. It was cobbled together when we moved in. Cattle are notorious for ruining fencing. So we’ve been piecing it together the best we can. It’s now to the point where I’m using corral panels to keep everyone where they need to be.

The problem is, there’s a two foot concrete drop off down to the drylot where the fence is. I’ll have to take a picture to better explain. The original wood fenceposts were put in with concrete but we don’t’ have that capability and I’m not sure I want to drill holes that close to concrete. But Mike has an idea on what should work. Now it’s just finding the time, money, and energy to get it all done. Coordinating that will be tricky. Anyone want to help with any part of it? Helping fund the fencing job or coming out to help where ever needed?

I think there’s more to share but my mind is sort of realing from having to make the phone call with the vet to put Rabbit down. She’s scheduled to leave this world next Thursday, May 25^th at 9am. I’m not sure how to pamper her without causing her pain but I’m going to make sure I do right by her. I want her to feel loved and leave this world not in pain. I hate this part of Sanctuary.

Even with her passing, it does not mean that there is room in the Sanctuary. I want to leave any potential available spots for later in case there is an emergency. We are really maxed out. I want to see how summer goes. I had to buy an extra load of hay so that pushed me over the top of what I was figuring. If only I had more time and more help, I could get so much more done.

Dreaded Phone Call

The call is made.


I'm doing my best not to bawl while sitting in my cube at the paying job.


I hate playing God. But I know it's the right thing for Rabbit. Before the heat and humidity sets in to make the heaves and the eyes go bad and before the ground gets hard to make her shoulder hurt more.


But it still hurts.


Now for a week of crying. The appointment is set for Thursday, May 25th at 9am.


I don't even know how to pamper her. I'm afraid to do any grooming on her shoulders in fear of causing her more pain but she'll be getting lots of attention the next week.


I hate this part of Sanctuary.

Rambling

We had our farrier scheduled for yesterday but storms rolled in. I'm quick to reschedule when storms are near after the Sanctuary missed a tornado hitting us by only a half a mile. I don't want to be responsible for anyone getting hurt when storms are in the area. I am slightly concerned because King is off and although he's flat footed, he's typically not "off" like he has been. I'm hoping it's just a stone bruise or an abscess.

I still need to pay the vet bill for Bo's exam and ulcer medication. I dont understand why medications have to be odd colors. Shouldn't they be boring colors like white instead of purple?

I've also been avoiding making the phone call for Rabbit. Turns my stomach thinking about it. But when the ground gets hard, and the sun/heat arrive, she'll be miserable (her uvitis and heaves will flair up). So although she seems to be doing ok right now, I don't want to send her off feeling miserable. I'll be checking the forecast for next week to see if it's feasible next week. I will not say goodbye in bad weather unless it's an absolute necessity. I want warm sun on her back and a belly full of grass.

Need to fight the mud tonight and get bales put in the pens. I can't wait for pasture time but with the rains, I haven't been able to get out and spray. We'll have to extend the hay bales for a couple of extra weeks to ensure the pastures can hold the herd. We need to "rejuvenate" the pasture.

Just stressing. So much to do and so little time to get it all done.

Getting Fat

I hauled Lace and Junior to Madison Monday night. I think the couple of pictures speak for themselves.

Get fat Junior and enjoy! We'll see you in just under two weeks.