Loss

I'm no stranger to death. Running a sanctuary that focuses on old horses means that we are constantly watching each horse's health, happiness, and life quality. It's a day-to-day thing and we as caretakers are the ones who sometimes have to make that final call.


So I'm no stranger to death. But it's never easy. I'm not immune to the tears and the heartache. I'm not immune to the loneliness that follows. I'm not immune.


I still struggle, months later, with the loss of each horse. As we roll through May, I remember this as the month that we lost Rabbit last year. Its' also the month that we lost Ten Man and Blondie (who we don't normally talk about because it's been years since their passing). It's also been almost three months since losing Bo. But the loss and heartache is still there. It's the what-ifs and what should have beens.


I am glad that I am the one to be the final caretaker. To be privileged with the opportunity to meet these amazing beings. Each comes with a story, some they share, some they don't. But we all have a history and a life to live.


But even as each being crosses over and leaves me behind to wonder, worry, and recover, life goes on. Earlier this week, we were informed that a relative had been killed in an accident. I wasn't close to this relative but I always felt as though I could speak my mind and possibly be more vocal and opinionated without having to worry about stepping on anyone's toes. Life always made it difficult to do more than see each other once or twice a year but it was always fun to hear stories and know that I could let my guard down.


So now I sit here struggling with another loss. The suddenness is probably what gets me the most. Gone too early and too young. Gone before all the plans had been made and adventures taken. As I watch the horses, it's never easy to make the decision but it a little easier when they tell you they are ready. It's those times that it's so sudden of a loss that I seem to have difficulty in recovering from.


If you've read the last blog post, you'll know that I went MIA and after yet another blow, I need a bit more time to, perhaps not recover, but to recenter. It sounds a little selfish and maybe it is, but I want to make sure that this blog stays on task with the center of attention on the horses and not my sorrows. So I may continue to be absent for a bit longer. Until there is peace in my heart, the words seem to get stuck and can't come out.