Good Cop - Bad Cop

I'd love to write this post more eloquently. I've tried two or three ways to start this blog but I'm not sure how to even begin. As a non-profit, we have a board of directors. I seek their advice when needed but for the most part, the decisions of the Sanctuary lie on my shoulders.


We are asked (not weekly or even monthly) to take in horses. The problem lies in our mission. We provide a dignified retirement home. We are not a rescue that adopts out. Bless those that can open their doors, rehab/retrain the horse, and rehome them. But that's not our mission. It's to provide a retirement home. We can only be so big. We can only have so many horses that we can financially be responsible for. There are only so many horses that the land can hold and I can care for.


So last week I was asked if we had room for two horses. As always, minimal information which bothers me. I can't make a judgment call without having a bit more information. A description of old isn't enough. What may be "old" in one person's eyes, may not be considered "old" to enter the Sanctuary. Because I am the main caretaker of these horses, I need to make sure that the horse's personality can mesh with the current herd and that the horse and I can mesh as well. Sometimes we get lucky and everything works out. Other times, there's a learning curve. Either way, I need a bit more information.  I did do diligence and asked around to see if others could take the horse as we are truly full and I'm still reeling from the loss of Ivan and the dreaded decision with Bo. And just because Ivan is gone, and Bo will be soon, doesn't mean that we are ready to open our doors. We have to financially pay the vets bills that we've accrued before we can simply open our doors.


So when I was asked, and couldn't immediately say yes, I felt as thought I was the bad guy. Why is it that it's my fault that we can't take in another horse? Why is it that you waited until the last minute to contact us? Why is it that you aren't willing to provide even the slightest olive branch token for taking your horse? Why is it that I have to be the responsible one for taking care of your horse? Horses are not an object that you can simply toss to the side when you no longer have time or when it is no longer convenient to keep them. Why is it my fault that I don't jump at the chance to take your stud? why is it my fault that I can't take in your horse with a medical issue? Why is it my fault that I have to take on more responsibility and give up more of my personal life to care for your horse?


Just because we are a non-profit does not mean that money flows easily into our pockets. We don't have high risk rescues...God bless those rescues that can take on major rescues and the care of horses during a time of crisis. We are a simple and small sanctuary. Funds are hard to come by. We are in a state that is pro-slaughter, which means funds are even harder to come by because many believe slaughter is needed.


Today, I had to say no to two horses. Not because I wanted to. Not because I wanted to play bad cop. But because I have to make sure the horses at the Sanctuary are cared for. I have to be responsible for their care and well being. I have to be the responsible one. I took on their care, so I am responsible until their final breath. Why is that not the same for others?


Do I feel guilty for saying no. Absolutely. Do I worry about the fate of those horses? Absolutely. I've already asked twice this fall for help with horses. In both cases, the need did not end up falling on our shoulders. But we have such great supporters, I didn't want to put anyone in a bind. I felt like I was crying wolf. So instead I played bad cop. Maybe if I asked for help, maybe if I could have financially swung it, and maybe if there would have been some kindness and willingness on the owners part, I would have been more willing to sacrifice even more of myself. But the manner in which I was asked, especially after losing Ivan not even a month ago and having Bo following shortly on Ivan's heels, I'm just not ready and not willing to tolerate bad behavior. So I guess I'll continue to play bad cop and say no, but feel terrible that I did so.


I hate playing bad cop.