Loss

I can't figure out if it's pregnancy hormones, exhaustion from lack of sleep, or simply the loss, but I'm ready to sit down and cry (ok, so I am crying). I found out this morning an acquaintance was killed in a car accident. She was only a few years younger than me but had so many amazing ideas that she was implementing. Now they are all dashed. And when I say acquaintance, it's more that I followed her on her blog and then followed her on Facebook. I never really chatted with her much, if ever. But I always felt like I was a part of her world, taking me to a part of the world that I would never see. What will happen to her horses, dogs, and other animals now that she is gone? What will happen to the children that she was teaching so that they could have a better life than they were handed? There are so many questions and yet, they aren't for me to ask but I ask anyway.

 

I'm struggling with the sudden loss of this person's life and then dealing with my own so called "demons"  for feeling inadequate for not being able to do more. I want to vent, to scream at the top of my lungs at the world that I'm doing all that I can but I need help. But I know my voice won't be heard.  People ask me what can they do to help. But when I tell them, it's not the life saving idea that they had in mind. It's the day to day activities that work away at a body and soul. Rescuers and sanctuary workers need a helping hand every once in a while. Ok, daily.

 

And then I struggle with the people who think they can do no wrong. I have and always will be a rule follower. My son is a rule follower, as is my husband. I've very rarely gone against the rules and when I do, I feel bad. But I ask the question, why is it ok for others to break the rules and get away with it when I can't (or won't). Do these people not have any morals? How can you not feel bad for breaking these rules. I know I offend others and I feel bad when I do and will try to make up for it in the long run. I am not only a rule follower, I'm also one that wants to make sure that everyone is happy and that I try to make sure everyone is happy with me. I don't want people upset with me but I guess in rescue/sanctuary world, it happens time and time again.

 

I guess I just don't know how people can not feel guilty. But I've also seen that people don't see that they are doing something wrong. I've watched it unfold a number of times with different people and different situations where they don't think they are doing anything wrong. And yet, in my mind and with the rules I've been subjected to, they are wrong. Why are my rules different than others??

 

I'm just at a loss. I want to do more but can't, either physically, financially, or emotionally. I'm afraid the hormones are making me more emotional than I would like to be. I am struggling to make sure I don't become irrational and that I think out my thoughts and actions. I've grounded myself from riding months ago. I've grounded myself from driving except to and from work. I'm sure as the days progress, I'll ground myself from other activities simply because I can't do them the right way and may endanger others. Why do others not see or follow that same guiding rule...do unto others that you wish them to do to you? Why is that concept so hard? Set aside money and would you still have the same issue? Set aside egos, would you have the same issue? I dunno.

 

I'm feeling lost and emotional and I know I'm not making any sense. I am but one person. And when there is a loss, even when it's simply an acquaintance from half way around the world, it still strikes me to my heart.  I will miss your stories. Rest in peace friend.