Antsy

I'm antsy. I've been antsy for the past few days. You'd think that by being antsy, that I would get off my duff and do something but I haven't. I've classified myself as lazy lately. It's an awful experience to feel antsy and lazy all at the same time.

By the end of the day, I've worked myself up into such a tizzy that I'm exhausted and can't function. It's a good thing that the horses are on automatic and all I do is check water and make sure no one is bleeding profusely. Otherwise, I don't get to see the herds.

I'm antsy for two reasons. The first is that it's haying season. I'm seeing everyone haying every possible field and ditch around. Unfortunately, we do not have enough pasture to hay, nor do we own any land or rent any land to put up hay (and we don't have the equipment either). So we are forced to buy all of our hay. We don't have our hay yet (we normally don't even get our hay until September or October anyway). But I'm wishing that we had land we could rent, and the equipment so that we could put up some of our own hay to help defray the cost. Instead, we have to scrimp and save to come up with the money to cover the cost of hay for the 11 Sanctuary horses (and I have to come up with more to cover the cost of my three personal horses). And the hospital bills are still there along with other bills (gigantic rock chips thanks to construction, new tires, etc.) so it's a struggle to come up with the amount we need every year.

The second reason I'm antsy is that it's that time of year again. In another couple of weeks, people will be thinking about kids going back to school, winter setting in, and that all means that more horses will be on the market. More horses will be shipped to auctions and run through loose because owners are too busy to put some elbow grease in to their horses to ensure a good home. So I'm already seeing horses online for free or very cheap. I can assure you the kill buyers will pick them up without a second thought and send them to slaughter. It breaks my heart because my hands are tied. What more can I do? I've been avoiding looking at Craigslist but started and I'm seeing a few I'd offer retirement if we had the space. There will be more....and soon. So I need to just sit and make sure that the Sanctuary horses are cared for. But it's heart wrenching and heart breaking to see these old warriors being treated like a piece of machinery.

So I think that's my reason for being antsy. My problem is, by the end of the day with the paying job, toddler, and other activities, there's nothing left of me, either physically, emotionally, or financially. Maybe a short vacation, which is already set on the calendar, will help but I'm not sure. I'm betting that I'll avoid the upcoming auctions because there's nothing I can do except tell each horse that they won't be forgotten and then take down information about prices and where they went (although we all know where the majority of loose horses end up).

So I guess I'm hitting that time of year where I get upset because there's nothing I can do. It's come earlier this year than others. Usually I don't get this way until mid August. This year it hit mid July. So now I'm even more motivated to do something about these old horses except that the exhaustion hits by the time I get home. I feel like I'm in a bit of a catch 22.

I guess all that I can ask is that you hang with me while I climb out of this stress pit. Moral support is always welcome. And if you ever get bored, I'd be more than happy to put you to work.