Denial

I am struggling with a few realizations. One month ago today we were sitting in the ER waiting to find out what was wrong with our son. I am still petrified of the possibility that we could go through such an ordeal again.

When we went into the hospital for that terrifying week, Mike was able to round up hay for the horses as we weren’t yet ready to put them out on the pasture. The new grass seed hadn’t yet taken hold like we wanted. I spent an entire week in the hospital refusing to leave my son’s room except four times and only for a few minutes or sometimes only seconds. I left the horses and their care up to Mike. We both figured that the round bales would suffice and for the big herd, it did.

However, those round bales did more damage to Rabbit and Babe them any good. I don’t believe that although they ate the bale that they received any nutritional value. After going away for a few days to enjoy some much needed family time (and to hopefully regain my focus), I came back hoping that the hard keepers would be looking fat and sassy. I knew better but I had hopes that they wouldn’t look as tough. I was sorely disappointed.

After the rainstorm blew through I went back out to do chores to discover that Babe looks even tougher than I had thought (the winter hair we are struggling to remove hides much). The bale she was eating apparently didn’t hold any value and although she was eating, she started losing weight. The same problem happened to Rabbit.

So now I’m contending with putting weight back on those two as quickly as possible. The week in the hospital and the following week of follow-up hospital visits really set the sanctuary back. This spring I didn’t have anyone on my watch list really. Oh sure I had Babe simply because she’s older and Jim because he’s turning into a hard keeper. But Jim is no longer on that list as of this moment. Instead we have Babe, Rabbit, Bo, and Brego. My bays and sorrels are giving me a run for my money with stress.

I have Rabbit out on grass 24x7 and we’ll be working on getting Babe and Mayhem out on grass shortly. Now that we are hopefully home (knock on wood), I’ll be able to concentrate my time on getting them acclimated to grass. The problem that I have now is where to put everyone. I can’t put Rabbit in with Babe because she’s too hard on Babe. I want Mayhem with Babe but where do I put Babe to get her used to grass?  The only pasture I can put Babe in is the road pasture but she’s looking pretty tough right now.  I can put Rabbit out on the road pasture but then I’d have to put Babe and Mayhem in the east pasture. That pasture has electric in one portion and I can’t have electric on. I had thought of putting Babe on the lawn but then she’ll have free reign of the place because, again we can’t use electric with Babe. I have been tossing the idea around of putting Rabbit and the ponies together. I don’t want Rabbit alone (nor do I want Babe alone) but that only leaves Mayhem to babysit (or the ponies). But the ponies can’t be in the pasture because the fences aren’t pony proof. So I can either leave Rabbit alone in a pasture and have the ponies on the lawn, have Rabbit with the ponies on the lawn (I can use a portion of the lawn I’ve been avoiding using), put Babe in with Rabbit (not really an option), or put Mayhem in with Rabbit and Babe would be alone. I don’t like that option either. Mayhem is finally getting rid of some of her bad habits. No matter what option, I’m going to have to come up with something fast. The mares absolutely HAVE to be on grass this week.  I am more than a month behind.

I feel like I’ve really let the horses down and the people who support us. I know that I’m overwhelmed with all that has happened to us in the past 10 months but I need to get a grip on reality and make sure that no one suffers for my lack of control over some of these situations. I really feel like I’m letting everyone down. There’s so many wonderful people supporting us and I just don’t feel like I’m giving the horses enough time, especially after seeing that some of the horses are dropping weight.

While we were in the hospital, our saddle club held a trail ride and asked that people donate money towards the Sanctuary. What a blessing and yet so humbling for me. One of our supporters K, is creating artwork and selling it for us. Again, such a blessing and so humbling. I cannot express in words my gratitude towards people who support us. I know that I’ve messed up with a few things here lately but my attention has to be my family when they fall sick. Just as when a horse falls sick, my full attention goes towards him/her. But it feels like a daunting task these past few months.

Last night after doing chores, I was almost in tears. I am upset that I didn’t see the weight loss on a couple of the horses and that the hard keepers aren’t gaining weight as quickly as I’d like. They are in my care and I should be doing a better job. I am their protector and provider and I don’t feel like I’m doing them justice. Hopefully life will settle down a little and I can fix the errors.

Last night we ran in to Tractor Supply so that I could pick up some calf manna. I’ve had some really good luck in putting weight back on using calf manna. The only downfall of that type of grain is the cost. Hopefully with being out on pasture and being grained, the horses will do better. I am currently saving up for this winter’s supply of hay. I am already getting really nervous on cost. I keep seeing all this hay and I’m oh so very jealous. I wish that we could put up our own hay instead of having to go in search of it. I am worried about cost. Feeding 15 horses is expensive and now throw in hospital bills, both from Mike’s heart surgery and Garrett’s meningitis, life is going to be tight for a while.

I guess I want to apologize to everyone if I seem like I’m down in the dumps for the next few months. Money is going to be tight for a very long time, the stresses of family members getting sick has been really stressful, and the news of slaughter houses opening up in our backyard have been devastated. I will do my best to stay positive but if I get a little snarky, I’m sorry. There is only so much one person can take.

I read a saying once. It’s not about how much a person can take before they break, but how a person handles the situation after they are broken.”  Or it was something to that affect anyway. I am very close to that breaking state. So if I am snarky or absent from here, I’m sorry. I’d rather try to stay upbeat and positive.