I'd like to say that it's inner turmoil, where my head and heart aren't meeting up, or more that my bank account isn't matching up with my heart. I'm feeling not only frazzled but upset right now. I'd like to just sit right down and cry. Life isn't fair and I know it; we all know it. But that doesn't mean I have to like it or accept it. Not sure if that's my Type A personality or what.
Last fall we were asked if we had room to take in a very deserving mare. At the time, we had JUST accepted Junior into the Sanctuary. I'm just now barely getting my feet back under me from all the health scares, medical issues, and medical bills that we faced these past two plus years. I'd asked the owners if they were in a hurry to find her a new home, and they were not. They've actually been very good supporters of the Sanctuary and try to do right by each horse that they take in to try and find new homes for. Good people with a good heart. And I want to help.
But we'd taken in Junior with the help of supporters and with the owners donating two bales. Junior came in November and I got caught up with Christmas stuff in December and have been sicker than a dog from January until early April. Mike had been studying from Christmas until two weeks ago for his test, so I didn't want to call in those donated bales of hay until I knew Mike would have some free time. Apparently I waited too long because I'm no longer getting a response from them. I'm not sure if they aren't checking their email, my emails aren't getting to people (because I've emailed a couple people with no response), or if I've been schnoockered.
In any case, I'm left short of hay and short of funds to bring another horse in. But I'd asked if this mare's owners would be willing to hold on to her til spring and then I'd see where we are at. Well, I'm pregnant. That's where I'm at. I can't think, I can't plan, I can't organize, I can't function.
We had one of our guardian angels come up with an AWESOME fundraiser idea but there would need to be some upfront costs. I don't know how to swing it. I don't know how to promote it. I can't think, I can't plan, I can't function.
I can't even figure out how to do our standard fundraising efforts. So it doesn't look like we'll have ANY donations coming in this year simply because I can't figure it out. I know people are thinking I'm being lazy or crazy, but if any of you reading this have been pregnant, hopefully you'll know what I'm talking about. I can follow my standard routine, I can think a little about the day-to-day activities, but anything beyond that is out of my capacity.
So back to this mare. I'm trying to figure out how to bring her in. I mentioned her to Mike this morning and said maybe I could fundraise money for her for the year. Of course, he has logic. Because she's only 13, even if people were to donate to her care for this year, what about next year and the year after that and the year after that. She's going to need to be on supplements because of her arthritis. She wont' be an easy keeper simply because of that arthritis. I need to think about the future and not about right now.
And I'm still trying to figure out how to raise the funds to take care of Mayhem's surgery that I was supposed to have taken care of years ago. I can't seem to find the funds for that either. And then there's always the worry of hay. I still need to pay for last year's hay, let alone plan for this coming year's hay. And with the drought we are inevitably going into, I know prices will skyrocket, and we'll be left scrambling like we did a few years ago. And these past two years, I used the money from the fundraisers to help pay for hay. But with no fundraisers, there's no additional money to help offset those costs. It's all coming directly out of my paycheck, and that seems to be shrinking with the cost of living and having kids.
I don't know what to do, other than sit right down and cry. I have people who want to help, and I can't figure out how to make it happen. I have people who I think would be willing to help, and they totally ignore me, and then I have the battle in my head of what I know is right and what I know I should do (and they are at odds with each other).
I could really use some moral support right now. I really try to not ask for much. I am not a non-profit so I know I can't really ask for donations because they wouldn't be tax deductible. But at this point, I could really use some kind words. I'll blame my tears and turmoil on pregnancy hormones....
...pause to wipe tears away.....
I could really use some help right now.