Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Part of Life

I had hoped to be productive last night. Instead... I had a temper tantrum. That's right, adults can have them too. I'm not proud of it but you know what.. it is what it is.

I did let the big herd out on the lawn for a little while. I think after Memorial Weekend, I'll be able to put them on pasture without fear of any issues. I just need to get out to divide the pasture. A task I haven't had any time to take care of.

I don't foresee working on the pasture tonight. I'm going to hang out in Rabbit's pasture and spend some time with her. I didnt' think I was really attached to her. I was wrong. I'm going to really struggle tonight and tomorrow. I haven't had time to think about what is going to happen so I haven't shed a lot of tears but I'm betting tonight and tomorrow morning I'll be a blubbering mess.

I may not post for a bit. I need to let my heart settle. Sometimes I feel like I just can't talk. Like my thoughts are stuck and I can't utter a word. My chest is so constricted that I cant' speak and that forces my brain to shut down and run on auto-pilot. It's been happening all this week. I'm sure it'll happen to tonight and tomorrow.

So if I'm not posting, it's me going into defensive mode so that the loss won't hurt as I know it will. I also don't want to ruin anyone's day by going on about this loss. It's a part of Sanctuary life and I'm honored to have known Rabbit even if I didn't understand her until the last little bit.

So if there's a gap in blogging or posting on Facebook, it's not that I'm not here physically but I need some time. It's been since 2013 that I lost a horse.

Unfortunately I've had to say goodbye to either a dog or a horse every year since 2007 except for 2014. Not sure how that happened. It's difficult but a part of life I guess. Sorry, starting to rambling and totally not what I was going to ramble about but I guess upcoming loss does that to me.

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