Thursday, October 13, 2016

Venting - Ignore Me

I need to get this off my chest. Yes, I'm going to vent and it has very little to do with horses. I should probably just delete the whole damn post but I need to write it at the very least.


I have no time and no money and yet people cant' seem to get that through their heads. I work a 40 hour work week at a paying job like every other Joe Schmoe. I "choose" to live where I do, which means my commute to my paying job takes longer than most. In fact, just drive time to and from work (without involving kids) is 45 minutes one way. So, add 1.5 hours to my 8 hour day (well, 8.5 because of lunch) and voila I'm at 10 hours being away from my home, my horses, and my kids. How many hours are you away from your home and family on a given work day?


Then add in the fact that I'm caring for 16 horses ON MY OWN, not to mention the two dogs and a cat. Every animal on this place is MY responsibility. *I* am the only one caring for these animals. I'm having to give them what I can of my time but it's not enough. There is NO help. NONE. NADA. It's all me and there's not enough of me to go around.


There's my two very young, and very impressionable children. They are one and four. They'll grow up before my eyes and be gone so I dont' want to miss out on a minute and yet I am. I'm gone from them for 10 hours a day, then they crash and are asleep by 9pm and I dont' see them again until I pick them up the next day. I see them for 4 hours...FOUR. That's all I get to spend with my children, but I am also supposed to do the laundry, make supper, clean the house, do chores, and oh yeah, be the ever supportive and loving wife and not get mad when shit doesn't get done around here...it's been FIVE months and I STILL dont' have an F-ing bathroom sink...never mind family complaining about me not havin a sink.


Never mind the carry over of my past horse life where I still am trying to function. I don't want to lose my friends but I don't have near enough time to dedicate to answering phone calls, text messages, IMs, and Facebook posts and comments.


I am tired. By the time I can finally sit at night, I'm exhausted. And the minute I sit, my lazy husband sits too. No, he's only worked an 8 hour day and been gone for maybe 10 hours and gotten to see the kids and not had to do any skirt work. There's no added pressure to do anything around the house. But that's for a different venting session. Did I mention he doesn't DO anything?


And there's so much pressure. I have a new boss at work so now I'm having to prove myself all over again. I'm also now being asked to study and become certified in something for work but I have to do it outside of work. I don't have the time. How the hell is that supposed to happen? I don't have the money to buy the test. I haven't gone back to the dentist because I dont' have the money to get the cavities filled that happened when I was pregnant with my daughter over a year ago. Apparently when I'm pregnant my teeth go to crap. I don't have the $500 to fix them either...and that's WITH insurance.


My husband once talked about soldiers coming back from war. That they experience PTSD but it's not really PTSD, it's the lack of support from the people around them. During war, you have people's backs, you support them, you protect them. But when you go back to the real world, you're on your own. I am feeling that extensively now.


I am on my own at work. I am on my own at home. I was told specifically that I will NOT receive any help on any projects around the house/sanctuary. So I am on my own. How can I maintain ALL of the buildings and the house to a livable standard without help? How can I do that and work, and take care of kids, and take care of animals, and try to find funding for the sanctuary, and keep sane? I'm not trying to be cheeky or anything. I'm just angry at the world because I'm left standing on an island by myself and the waters keep rising.


I keep getting pressured to do something. I can't do it and have made no bones about it because I don't have the money. The whole topic upsets me because I'm in a bind over it but I'll make it work. But I keep getting pressure. So this same person who is pressuring me contacted me on Sunday while I was helping my sister pack. My focus was getting as much done as I could because I had THAT day to get it done. THAT DAY ONLY. I don't have time to chit chat. My time is Mine and I dedicated it to that task not being pressured to do something that I know I'll have to say no.


So that same person contacts me again on Tuesday when I took the day off so I could focus on working around the place...because I am the ONLY one doing anything. I can't stop and send texts back and forth all day wasting my time. I have only so many hours in the day and I need to get it done. So I didn't respond. And guess what, Life happens. Kids happen. I didn't respond. Now, when I finally have thirty seconds to breath and respond...oops...someone else is interested.


I am going to walk away from the entire thing. That's what I am going to do. Remove one more stressor from my life and see what happens. I already removed one stressor by taking baby talk off the table. There will be no more babies at the sanctuary. And this topic that I'm so irritated over, there will be no more of that talk either.


People just don't understand that I have very limited time. And what time I do have, I want to spend with my kids. And when they are asleep, I'm usually asleep too or buried eyeball deep in some project that HAS to get done because if I don't, I'll have even more people on my case.


So, I may disappear for the next few days to get a few projects done.


Please ignore this post. I know it won't make sense. And once some of my projects are done, I'll be less stressed....but I need to vent. I am human. And there is only so much I can do. I am at my limit and at wits ends.


There is only me to do everything and I can't do it all. Not alone. Not without support. Don't get me wrong, I know there is support out there... I can see that just in the past two fundraisers and the generosity that people have bestowed. But the day-to-day stuff, I can't do it alone.


There is only me and I am alone.

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