Friday, December 16, 2016

Brain Dump

So it seems I have a lot on my mind and I need a place to let it all out before I explode. I’m sure when it’ all written down on paper, it’ll seem like so much less and to some, it is.

I don’t know if it’s the impending snow storm that’s going to drop between 3-7 inches or the 40 below wind chill or the 24 below temps coming or the holiday party stresses or the Christmas planning to make my kids’ Christmas perfect, or the search for a new drill team horse that’s bothering me. So here it goes…


I’ve been watching the weather but not very closely. I’m working from home today but I can’t concentrate knowing that this storm is coming. In 10 minutes we went from no snow in the air to it coming down fast and furious. Schools are closing left and right and I’m trying to figure out when to stop working and go pick up the kids before the weather really turns. It’s an advantage of working for the company that I do. I may complain about it at times but in reality, I have a lot of leeway. But I still need to get out and do chores and hopefully do SOME of them before the snow piles up and before the temps drop. But there’s stress in coordinating everything.

I need to try a couple of blankets on a couple of different horses to see if they fit. Brego’s blanket doesn’t really work for him and we had three donated that are in immaculate condition. So one is going on Brego. I’m debating on stalling horses but with a round bale in front of them, it might be easier to stall the super hard keepers and keep the stockier horses out. We’ll see how it goes tonight.

But the temps are supposed to plummet tomorrow making life difficult. Unfortunately I’m supposed to have another Christmas party so I’m not sure what to do. I don’t want to leave the horses while I go. I’d rather be home and make sure I can go out and check them if need be. Give them extra food a couple of times.

I’ve also been trying to juggle scheduling times to go look at different horses that might fit now that I am horseless for the drill team. Retiring Zeke has really taken a toll on me mentally. My go to horse is now retired and I’m left standing at the end of a lead rope attached to no horse. At least that’s how it feels.

But then I have those thoughts that I shouldn’t be looking for a personal horse. There’s so many horses that need homes. So many older horses that need to retire and can’t do drill team. We are full and yet I’m willing to pay for a horse that will fit into drill team. Just seems wrong. I see all these horses standing in feedlots in different states and I cant’ do anything about them but they look like they’d fit the bill for what I need and yet I cant’ afford it. My money is wrapped up with the Sanctuary and they come first over everything else. So what do I do? I am picky on what I want and yet, sometimes beggars can’t be choosers.

So I’ve been trying to arrange times to look at different horses. All horses where I’d pay money. For a  free retired horse, I expect quirks. But if I have to pay money for a horse, there will be quirks but they should be called out and not too severe. It’s sort of like a double standard I have I guess. I expect quirks and health problems for horses coming into the program. But for a horse I’m looking to actually buy, not rescue, I expect no quirks. How can that be? We ALL have our quirks.  I’m struggling with the double standard too.

I looked at a horse last week and I’d take the companion in a heartbeat. I am afraid of the fate for that horse if we don’t’ offer a home but I already have a waiting list.

Then there’s the whole neglect case of mustangs west river and I havent’ been able to do a single thing. I’m already limited in what I can do and it’s not really our focus. But it still bothers me to no end that I’m sitting idle. I want to be going to auctions and pulling old horses or offering a place for old horses to call home. I’m starting to see these old horses. Now that winter is here, I expect I’ll see more older horses up for sale. I’d love to be the go to place for people to leave their older horses but there’s only so many I can financially handle. I’d love for sponsorships but money is tight for everyone.

I’ve been feeling like I’m standing on an island alone. There’s so much that needs to be done and not a lot of help. I know if I asked, people would help. But I look around at the Sanctuary and I see all the stuff that needs to be done and none of it is getting done. Partly because I can’t afford to do it yet, partly because I can’t physically do it or can’t do it alone, and partly because I was hoping the hubby would help out and he doesn’t’ seem to see any of the things I see.

I keep brainstorming ideas for fundraisers but the last one was a total flop. To the point that the only way we broke even was from someone donating a dollar. Yup, that’s how we were able to break even. Aparently I was focused on the wrong crowd but you have to put yourself out there to know but it’s so difficult. Money is tight for everyone and I totally get that. Time is tight so searching for grants is difficult and I cant’ guarantee that I’d get any.

It’s all these struggles and more. So much I WANT to be doing. So I much I SHOULD be doing. And yet, I feel spell bound, frozen to the ground, unable to do anything.

I know all of these feelings will pass. It’ll all blow over like the storm that has now reached the Sanctuary. In the time it’s taken me to write this (maybe 10 minutes), visibility has dropped, the snow is actually piling up, and the snow is falling faster than before. Amazing how life can change in just a half an hour.

As with all my stresses, it’ll all change as well. I simply struggle with change.

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